PROGRESSIVE SISTAS =CHANGE

So last night while having a difficult time sleeping I ran upon MTV's Man & Wife tv show. Rapper, Fatman Scoop and his GORGEOUS wife, Shanda. The episode was an old one dating back to Gay Pride in NY. Shanda, a former AIDS/HIV prevention specialist came down to Greenwich Village for the Gay Parade to pass out condoms and safe sex education. This was not uniqe or "special" to me in anyway until Fatman Scoop showed up. Fatman Scoop has established himself in the rap industry and hip hop community, which continues to be homophobic and fearful of homosexuality. It is a known fact that hip hop and gay people don't mix and when these two distinct groups are brought together into an urban setting chaos and misrepresentation is sure to follow. I believe it is social stigmas that have placed the fear of being gay, contacting HIV/AIDS, the religious contradictions,and the misconceptions of sexual practices, hidden epidemics of Down Low men and women and internalized homophobia that exposes society and the Latino and black community as being intolerant, fearful, and dismissive toward the gay community.

So needless to say I was quite proud of Fatman Scoop to step out of his comfort zone to attend gay pride. There was a lot of fear in his eyes as he walked past men that looked like women and women that looked like men, and all those in between, but the fact that he would enter a space that was obviously uncomfortable for him made me respect him a little more, but I gave all the appreciation to his wife who took her husband out of his fear of being identified as a gay male or even a gay supporter by exposing her husband to an experience that he would have never ventured to on his own due to his career choice in addition to all the stigmas I mentioned above.

I read a passage in a book called, "Don't sweat the small stuff". In this book the author explained that being in a uncomfortable situation was an opportunity to grow and learn from that experience. So to watch Fatman Scoop enter into an uncomfortable situation of walking through gay pride handing out condoms to same sex, or not loving people made me hopeful that with the help of his wife he would grow to understand differences and similarities within how he identity's as well as those that he was among. Scoop met several individuals that were excited to have his autograph and enquire why he was down there. He stated, " I'm here to show my support, We (Rapper) don't talk about this gay stuff at all, and we definitely don't come down and walk in the parades, but I got a lot of love and respect for all people however you get down." "I'm not gay, and I'll admit I'm alittle nervous, but only because this is my first time doing this, its new to me, its all about support and respect though."

The truth is this brotha would have never done this without a wife that was so apart of the community and could educated him and society on the fears associated with homosexuality and those that are transgendered. She for me is hope for the future, as an African American sista that is willing to expose her man to a world unspoken of for him and within his career she for me is redefining the way sistas really practice what they preach. She could get her man snatch up anywhere, and yes even at a gay pride, but the odds for some reason seem to be tripled when there is any suspension of a sistas man being gay. Bottom line, if you were suspicious before you hooked up with him, don't be surprised that your even more suspicious a year into the relationship. Also,we as a society forget that bisexuality exist, yes like all it is a constructed term but one that to me holds more weight than homosexuality and heterosexuality.

Granted this is a strong gender bias with this term, were women are ALLOWED to be bisexual, but men are not. Why do the rules of bisexuality only used when in regards to women? Or is it the idea that within the male dominated society we live in men still feel they are entitled to ALL women, including the ones that are identified lesbians.

WE must created the change that is most needed. Exposing ourselves to difference will only help us understand who we are more. Being open to new people and experiences helps us to be apart of the change that is most needed right now. I am no different in how I conduct myself in public or within the walls of my home from that of Fatman Scoop and Shanda. It is when I run across people that think they know themselves and than are confronted with a truth that they maybe attracted to someone of the same sex. What I want to say is that this is ok, you can be attracted to him, brotha. You can be attracted to her, sista. I can be attracted to a MTF woman, its the person I connect with, its the heart of the matter that is most important and most beneficial.


I thank God for this progressive sistah and Mr. Fatman Scoop that stepped outside of his comfort zone and took a step in a progressive way for change and show equal respect and support for all people.

This is the shit that matters and I still don't like MTV.

David Allen is my hero

David Allen is my new hero, today I started to become overwhelmed with my role within my friendships and how I allow myself to be obligated to individuals that I don't intended to feel or be obligated to me. I love attempting to be folks all, but when I need a break it seems to be at the worst times, its when people need me most. I work hard to make others happy and not enough to make me happy. This is something that is quite clear to everyone that is deeply rooted in my social life and personal space. However, these are the same individuals that I allow to take advantage of my need to be everyone's superhero, but the fact remains I am no superhero and will make mistakes along the way, say the wrong thing, forget something important, become to exhausted to do something, etc.

That is were David Allen comes in; Allen argues that the real challenge is not managing your time but maintaining your focus: "If you get too wrapped up in all of the stuff coming at you, you lose your ability to respond appropriately and effectively. Remember, you're the one who creates speed, because you're the one who allows stuff to enter your life."

I need to take a step back and let things unfold as they may. I can no longer force myself to be something I am not. I have created the chaos and obligated influence that my love ones hold me so accountable for. I will reestablish myself as someone that has to say NO and understand that if NO means the end of a relationship than so be it. I am to preserve myself for my existence and the passion that I have to make the world better for not only myself but those I love and those I have not and may not ever meet in this life.

As Mr. Allen states" you lose your ability to respond appropriately and effectively" and all energy and time would be lost in my passion to aid in the world's positive change if it is done both in a sloppy, unmotivated, poor fashion.

Daily lessons to make myself a better person and my completely intended self.

My God... its happened!!!

I have lived to see a person of color become the President of the United States. Last night while watching this monumentous occassion with my extended family I thought to myself, " My God,this is happening... A black man will be the president of the United States!!!!" I felt several difference things in this realization, that one, I was alive to witness this, secondly that my grandmother was alive to witness this, and that everything that my family and my people as a whole throughout the world have conquered through with anguish, frustration, sadness, death to fight for this one moment that one of us stands as the Commander and Chief of the free world.

This moment is bigger than anyone can consciously imagine. This is change as it is meant to be defined. For the first time in my life I am honored to be apart of a country that will not be healed over night of discrimination because a black man is now the president but a country that beleives that change and hope for a better America is possible if we all acknowledge that we are all human beings that need love, support, and the ability to respond openly and honestly to each other to make this world as it was intended to be "for the people and by the people".

We ALL made this happen yesterday, not just black people or white folks that like black people. But all of us that beleived that we needed to first excercise our right to vote as citizens, secondly, beleiving that change was needed in this country and that only we were to be held accountable for the next four years of our existence, and as a result risk the chance of distroying ourselves if allowing the same, inconsistent, counterproductive influence to run our country. Now, I'm not saying that Obama will get it right, or that the world will change in an instant because of this new leader, but I will say without a shadow of a doubt that I have never been more excited about my future and the future of my younger relatives, friends and family as I am at this very moment.

About a few months ago I wrote a blog using words to identify myself it brings me great pleasure and honor to add to this list AMERICAN. Aside from Obama winning the greatest moment of my life today, at this very moment is realizing that


I CAN DO ANYTHING.

So much to say, so little time...

OK,most crucial issues should come first...Two words: Soluja Boy

This is ignorance at an all time high. I don't know rather to kick his ass or his parents...whom ever the case, this is the saddest excuse first, for a RAPPER, secondly, for a African American, Thirdly, for a male , and finally, for the lack of interest and devastating affect of institutionalized racism that plagues our education system in the inner city.

I am disappointed in a brother that has been blessed and fortunate enough to have the opportunity to have the public actually give a shit about what he thinks about anything, let alone something as significant as pointing out an historical figure that has held our (BLACK) community hostage for so long. Part of me wants to believe that he was fully aware of the ignorant comment he stated and that it was a strategic plan to come across being as dumb as he could be, but I fail to understand what his point may have been in this situation???? I have never been so afraid for my young people as I am now, because youth follow this ignorant young men and internalize the nonsense that he projects from his mouth. He has more of a greater influence on young people than I do and I cannot compete with that.

I don't want young folks thinking this is appropriate to be as stupid as you can possibly be without educating yourself on history that should already be known to the masses. Everyone knows who Adolf Hitler is??? Or am I trippin? Now, you may not have a personal connection with the the circumstances in which Hitler's rein of terror caused for millions of Jews, but from what I still understand he has been as negatively influential to the history and cultural evolution for Jewish people as well as to the world so YOU should know a little about this person, correct?

I digress...For your own viewing pleasure. Here is the piece of interview that made me sick to my stomach:

In an interview with Toure' for BET's Black Carpet, southern rapper Soulja Boy was asked, “What historical figure do you most hate?” Noticing Soulja was stumped, Toure' tried to give the rapper some insight telling him, "Others have said Hitler, bin Laden, the slave masters..." To which Soulja Boy replied, "Oh wait! Hold up! Shout out to the slave masters! Without them we'd still be in Africa. We wouldn't be here to get this ice and tattoos."


Vote on Tuesday folks, please... our lives depend on it!

Say it ain't so Wednesday

This title is in honor of my friend that has 'special' titles for the days of the week blogging about his amazing life, so I decided in honor of him and this blog site that he put me on too I would respect him by titling my blog for Wednesday as 'Say it ain't so, Wednesday'.


So yesterday evening I found out that I was officially a second-time graduate from EMU. This is a huge honor but one that comes with some strife and frustration from myself, my family, and my peers. First, I'm hard on myself when it comes to accomplishments and just general pleasure out of making a significant achievement, but I will basket in this moment for a minute but then the high pitch tones of family comes through my daydreams to reveal the realities of my life:

1. I'm 25 years old, and I live with my mother after not living at home for more than 5 years.

2.I have now two degrees and have one part-time job with no benefits.

3.My credit card debt is nothing I can brush off and ignore. I have two credit cards now.

4.I have a part-time job and have 12 bills to pay a month.

5.My cousins who don't have any higher education experience all have decent jobs with benefits.

6.I'm afarid of succeeding.

7.I don't beleive in myself enough.

8.I don't think that I am capable or even more capable of being successful like my peers.

9.I don't want to grow the fuck up, but I consider myself an adult.

10. My family is my foundation and I take finanical and emotional advantage of this, which is somewhat related to my need to grow up.

11.I take on the too much and can never say no to anyone.

12.Especially women.

13.I hurt more than I let on, and some people would be surprise with how much I can relaly take.

14.I dwell way to much in self pity.

15.I focus on things that don't matter.

16.I don't question "authority" enough.

17.I will stand for a stranger before I stand up for myself.

18.I love hard at a fault.

19.I worry about what people think too much.

20.I don't love me like and as much as I should.



Next,for someone that has fallen victim to love and now a proclaimed survivor of it, I am labeled as the love,relationship guru throughout work. A lot of the staff and youth come to me for advice. Mostly about, relationships and communication and how you can't have one without the other. We discuss the need to communicate and to not just talk but to understand, make sure your partner understands you, if you think the relationship is worth the time it may take to help them understand. The best policy is honest and trust and without either nothing can truly come out of the situation as the best interest for either partner equally.

I must say that as someone that rushed to fast into love and did foolish things to keep that person , to a point of compromising myself and my ingerity I had to learn the hard way that love is what effort you put into it and how much you are willing to commit yourself. Most of the time it is revealed that it was not worth it and we go into love blind-sided by what we rushed to feel and never examined the full impact on what that love really was, becuase what could be revealed to us is that the love that we thought was there was a love that at closer examination belonged to someone else.



On Closer Examination

Checking the vitals on what could be
Scoping the route on the path that we should take
Feeling our way through each other hearts
Probing at the meaty parts
Grazing over some smooth curves, quick turns and intense looks
Excited by the rapid heart beats that become one
Pleasured by the moments of ecstasy that in hind-sight turns you on
Easing your way off the high, normalcy cautiously holding on
Craving the touch that hasn’t been felt in some time
Focusing in on clues that have gaps yet are not the affect
Searching for the cause of what you felt
Hypothesizing what are believed to be the obvious results
Diagnosed that on closer examination it was never what you thought


I digress... Good night.

Protect ME always

I had a very long conversation with a good friend of mind last night who has retreated to New York. We first talked about her struggles since moving to NY and how a homicide damn near took place with some neighbors of hers, but she has the strength to make the best out of the situation and will come out stronger and better than when she went in. However, I pray for her in the time she is there.
We then talked about something that had been on my heart the whole day that had seemingly exhausted my being and placed me in a comatose state majority of the day.I explained to her that for the last week or so it had been this voice in the back of my mind that was letting me know alot about the people around me...actually it was more of a feeling that seemed to make small inserts into my mind for a later date. It wasn't until yesterday though that I felt these small thoughts in a bigger picture of what the future has to offer for me, my family, and my friends.
I am now concerned that I may not have the type of relationship I thought I had with several individuals. It concerns me, not because I have a problem with being alone, but that I may never have a genuine connection with anyone because I can't trust people. I acknowledged that I say I trust people even when I don't. Its like the thing you say because so many people want to know that they are special and that they are important to your life and that you tell them everything that you don't tell others.

I want to know that I can trust people, and for sometime I truly felt that I could, but the moment has come that I must take responsibility and admit that what I thought was authentic may not be and maybe short lived. As one of my distant friends stated, people are brought into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Most are brought into your life for a reason. So it maybe that I have learned my reason for some of my relationships and now we must distance ourselves from one another.

Also, I explained to my friend that I place myself in the role as the protector. I want to save all those that I love from hurt and never feeling pain at its fullest extent. However, this role comes from a special and warm hearted place yet is usually taken in a way in which people feel as though I want to control them, be exalted above others, or that I have done something for them that can never be repaid and they feel forever in my debt thereby needing to save themselves from me and me being falsely identified as someone that no one can trust.

As the protector I am consistently placed in a role, that I fall naively into because its all that I know and as the protector I risk the possibility of being hated because I stood in the way of someone getting hurt and because they never felt the impact of what could hurt they missed the opportunity to feel anything and this is my fault. On the other hand, when I have learned to step back and let things run their course naturally and those that I would have protected are hurt then somehow it becomes my fault, somehow my name is brought up and no one wants to step up and take responsibility so therefore I am held as responsible because it is known that I want to make everyone happy, protect everyone from hurt and I actually care what people think of me and think of each other.

There are many things that I don't say because from my experience as a child, I have self taught that my words have a lasting affect on people and though it may have been true what I said the words stick and are forever reminding of what a person lacked at that moment and somehow this is still hurtful and therefore I am still to blame of that hurt as a negative feeling and held responsible for the pain. As a result of this and to the best of my ability I stopped speaking my mind and relaxed on telling people about themselves because I didn't want people to hate me or think that I didn't want the best for them. I guess I gave into wanting people to see their true beauty because I think we all have it, yet many haven't captured it for themselves. I love to be around beautiful people and not just of physical attractiveness but truly internal beauty that radiance from their being.

I really have this very naive way of looking at the world that everyone wants the best for everyone else. Yet, this has not been my experience and needless to say has been disappointing throughout my life. I have said before that I never get angry at people but I get disappointed. I expect the best of who we are as human beings from everyone including myself. Though I have this ability to forgive so freely to others I am not the same toward my own forgiveness. I then see how this can be looked at as me proclaiming that I am better than others, when really I'm just harder on myself, and never want to make a mistake ever, but this is damn near impossible. For others I see as everyone being their best within the moment we connect with another person, or best is seen and acknowledged and we grow from that moment with that person. It is when we make mistakes that we are either forgiven or forgotten. I want to be forgive, but am mostly forgotten. The world could never be as hard on me as I am on myself.

I was once asked if I think I have to protect everyone, who is protecting me? I am. I have to protect me, because I can't trust people with me, weakness is often seen by me by the those that I call my friend, but in reality no one wants to be weak or be seen as a weak person that needs to be protected constantly. However, some can easily make those moments of weakness and come out successful, I strive to be that person, but in order to protect myself I have to know who I can trust and who I can not.

I have to keep people at a distance of me because I have to protect myself. I will protect myself first from now on, and make sure that who I am is never jeopardized for anyone, ever.

Too much off the top

I have been doing some retrospective thinking this morning on how things are going with my new job, which for the record I love. One thing I have definitely noticed and take full responsibility for is that I have to tone down on my enthusiastic, overwhelming,inappropriate behavior with my co-workers. It is safe to say that I have become very comfortable in my new environment, and even more comfortable with my co-workers, which on the grand scale will at some point be a concern for those that I work closely with because no one will know how to say that I have crossed a line, yet I will be at worst fired or officially reprimanded for my behavior.

I have to remind myself that this is a job first and an opportunity for me to expand on my understanding and knowledge of what I love to do That is help motivate, educate, and generate young people to take action and be the change that the world needs the most and that will make a permanent mark on society. My passion for motivating young people to take responsibility and find the true meaning for their existence is something that even I still work at on a daily basis. I want to make it clear to myself that I am just a student that wants to teach what I've learned, not a teacher that knows what to teach and hopes that those taught have learned. However, I have to remind myself daily of this, which is why I believe I have people in my life that help to keep me in check. I have to remind myself that this is a profession, a part- time one, but a profession none the less. I want to make it crystal clear that what they may allow as acceptable from each other will not be necessarily taken in the same stride of myself. I have to believe that these people like me, but at any point will become offended,intimidated, overwhelmed, annoyed, or at the very worst frightened by my natural state of being.

From this day forward I will be more consciously aware of my surroundings, the comments I make to my co-workers,and the even the seemingly harmless inappropriate comments made to me by my co-workers. I will be focus on the task at hand to help open,explore, and build on the minds of the young people that I have the pleasure to work and grow with , and learn from. Also, I don't want to possibly loss my job because I got to comfortable to quickly and as a result be set as the example of sexual harassment within the workplace. I digress my intensity, compulsiveness, and crude behavior and I take this experience with a humble heart, an open mind to learn from some of the most brilliant people I have the privilege to work with, and a opportunity to exercise my knowledge and skills on marginalized group of individuals that I will have the ability to go out into the working world and make the ultimate and permanent change that I see for the world.

I thank God for this chance to truly feel that I am apart of the change and the evolution of my complete self that I was intended to be.

The truth of the matter is...

I had a long discussion with my closet friend last night about the power control of relationships, all relationships. I explained how it was this split moment in which someone has to take responsibility over the situation in order for it NOT to result in the outcome that both people involved feel would be self destructive to the circumstances. Is the reality of what you feel and it existing that exposes us to the truth and the responsibility of both, but realistically one person saying this is what we are, this is my intentions, what are yours? But we don't do this, none of us do this. We give each other the reason of a doubt and never question motives until it is too late and someone, usually the more logical person, who indirectly has been assigned that responsibility by both involved never took control of the situation and stop it before it got to the place in which their was a misunderstanding or someone was hurt.

I will use my personal experience as an example:

My ex was the most attractive woman that I had ever dated. She was also the rudest, the most inconsiderate at times, and verbally abusive. Now I must be honest with myself to acknowledge that I would never had accepted this behavior from any of the other women that I had dated before her. Yet, she was someone I felt I would have never had a chance in hell with and this was just the shit I had to deal with to be in this relationship, because as I justified her behavior she was also gorgeous and one of the smartest people I had ever met. She on the other hand never thought she was beautiful or smart and actually had incredibly low self esteem and was even dealing with depression as a result of this negative self image she felt toward herself.
I would try my best to assure her that I wasn't going anywhere and that she was all I wanted, however, in the meantime she would put me down and disrespect me to destroy my self esteem and create an even stronger sense of low self worth.

Quite effective, yet when it came time to face reality of what was; instead of what could be I admitted to myself that this was a person that I couldn't be with because it was going to kill me, I would have done anything to make her happy and make her realize how much I loved and respected her as a human being, first, and as my significant other second. When I acknowledged that I was not given the same respect and she had issues that would only destroy us both I had to take responsibility and remove myself from the situation, and save her from herself to come to terms with the reality that this was not a healthy relationship.

I remember the first thing I asked her when we met, What is your intentions with me??? She said she just wanted to sleep with me, but that something happened that she felt more could come from this relationship than just sex. I admitted that this was my first authentic, self motivated relationship that I would work at to maintain, and I will be the first to admit that I'm not perfect and I made mistakes, and even said a couple things that I now regret, but it was real and the reality of it was that we didn't belong together. This I knew a week into it, but I ignored my responsibility and continued on with the relationship.

So the truth of the matter was we know when something isn't right at the beginning but for several reasons, mostly selfish reasons we go through with it and allow it to take form, yet struggle with the consequences of the actions that follow that decision. Don't take responsibility when shit hits the fan and deal with the hurt, pain, guilt, self esteem issues, hatred, sadness, regret then. Control the wrongness at the began, either it can be fixed or not, but if its not right than don't go through with it. Your ego is what keeps you there and your ego is what will suffer the most when it turns out just as it felt like it would at the beginning.

Being completely honest with everyone will make you feel like the craziest bitch alive.

Remember what really matters...what's inside.

Well... it has been a minute since I was on this blog site and a lott has happened.

#1. currently STILL unemployed.
#2. lost my dream job because I'm not white... Oh, sorry I mean "experienced" enough.
#3. had a "friend" play me to the left because she can't come to terms with her sexuality.
#4. confronted the friend for playin' me and now we cool, but I deal with her from a distance.
#5. finally admitted that I'm still not over her and I miss her.
#6. confronted with the fact that we don't belong together but I still want her.
#7. admitted to myself I'm still not healed and I'm self destructive.
#8. I still love her more than myself.
#9. I need to reconnect with my family.
#10. My family though may not understand is still that, my family.
#11. The truth is my mother is my rock.
#12. The truth is that really is my father's best
#13. My cousins have become a product of a community they know nothing about in reality and have internalized the "gangsta" mentality.
#14. I need my family just as much as they need me.
#15. I want to love with my entire being again.
#16. I need to feel special and I will make you feel the same.
#17. I need to let people do for me as I do for them
#18. True love will prevail over everything else.
#19. You love for God and each other, not for yourself.
#20. I want to feel,look,think,and completely evolve into the person I am intended to be.

Patience and Discipline are obstacles throughout my journey of life may I pray and work toward these two obstacles to help fulfil the destiny of my life.

I love because I got it as a child. --- Common, I want you

Miss One Track

I forgot to post what I ate yesterday.

my bad! Day #4:

Breakfast:Oatmeal, english muffin, yogurt, and a banana.
Lunch: sleep (lol), necturine, and a chicken burger around 2:30pm.
Dinner:A smoothie from Smoothy King, it didn't taste like my friends though, hmmm...

I walked there so it took me about 25 minutes to get there and the walk is about 1.5 or 2 miles. I walked there and walked back and Ann Arbor is hilly and it was like 186 degrees so I had to burn at least 800 calories on just the walk alone. Than I lefted weights when I got home.

I'm getting use to this workout thing and actually enjoying having more energy and not sleeping as long as I usually would.

I was on some new shit yesterday but I don't regret it, I'm keeping my post up and I want people to feel me and understand where I'm coming from. I'm by no means a poet I just felt that way yesterday and this is a safe space to express yourself, right? Let's hope.

God Bless.

I'll blog tomorrow about this currently uneventful day.

Akoma: the Heart

May God grant me the patience that I need for this part of the journey of my life. I want to accomplish so much and like all don't know what my story is to the life that I continue to live, but may I live it full, with patience and inner peace.

My first and not last tattoo of the sankofa symbol means so much to me right now. First, it forces me to retreat to my past to accept my mistakes and learn from them and work on me to never make them again. I never want to be the person I was a year ago and I hope to be better than I am today a year from now.

My second tatt will be this symbol above, Akoma: Patience and Tolerance. I have spoken briefly about my temper that I have to acknowledge in order to deal with my anger. I have to take responsiblity for my actions and learn from them that I have to deal with my issues that allow me to be angry so quickly and have shortness of patience and tolerance for things I don't understand or agree with.

I didn't understand her, I wanted to understand her, I needed to understand her in order to stay, but she didn't understand either. We never knew each other. I never knew why I loved her as much as I did if I never knew her from the beginning...

SOMETHING LIKE...
Or is it something like love?
Something like the feeling one gets when you watch her sleep,
When your heart skips a beat when she touches you,
How nothing else seems to matter when your holding her,
How simple this is when she looks at you from across a room,
How no one or nothing can smell the way she does,
The moment you see her after being away too long,
The sound of her laugh reminding you of the first time you heard something like it.
How her smile takes form starting from the corners of her mouth like a wave
connecting with the center of her top and bottom lips parting revealing her
beauty enhanced.
Wanting to take the pain away when it hurts to much for her to smile.
Her throwing the blue vase at the door when I walked out.
The sound of her crying in her sleep and me
Kissing her salty tears telling her everything would be ok though I myself was unsure if it would be.
The guilt of leaving and us ending
Finding someone, when neither can find themselves
Forgetting how much it hurt
The willingness to Something like all over again.

Two blogs for the price of one today

I forgot to blog yesterday becuase I had to finish up this presentation that I've been working on for the past couple of months.

Yesterday, same workout: 45 mins, weights, put no crunches! My stomach is killing me with pain, but I will start back with my crunches today.

I had more to eat yesterday too. Breakfast was oatmeal, english muffin, and a banana.

Lunch was mostly fruit, preztels, and a granola bar. I than worked out than I had a chicken burger, broccoli, and a piece of fruit. Than later had another piece of fruit.
I went out to dinner with my friends and had some butternut squash soup, sweet but very good. That was that. pushed dinner back to 8pm but nothing after that.

Thank you to the woman that visited my blog yesterday, it is definitely all mental and I love your website it doesn't make me feel so hopeless about this expereince and this life change. I can do this, I know I can. Plus I want to start a band when I get to my goal weight so that's something to look forward to in the near future.

Eventually, I want to learn how to play the guitar and when I do, watch out!!!


I had to share this with you all. This guy is amazing, Justin Nozuka is the name and his song After Tonight makes me think of a special person; this is for you.

Another day... for the rest of my life

Day #2: It hurts,everything hurts!!!!

WEll, I worked out again today after a phone conversation with my trainer. Yes, she calls me from her day job to check up on me and see how I'm doing. She got on me today about not eating enough!!!! Can you believe that, I haven't been hungry though and this is what I was trying to explain to her, it makes no sense for me to eat something when I'm not hungry, but I took down some spinach and more fruit to keep her off my back... LOL (though I do enjoy her being there)

Next I did cardio for 45mins burned about 700 calories, than lift weights, I'm ending my night with my crunches and than calling it a night. I really think I'm getting the mental understanding of what this is about. As so many people that have lost a ton of weight have put it, "Its a lifestyle change". That's my goal to just think smarter about what and how much of something I put into my body. I also took pics today of myself so I can see my accomplishments over time.

First thing I'm doing when I get a job is getting a membership to a gym. Than I am working out everyday for the rest of my life! LOL j/k

The goal right now though is to lose 40 lbs by my friend's wedding. This is possible and I have the will power to do it, but I have to stay focused and never lose the drive and that is why I have the personal trainer.

I'm really in this long term, its about my health and living my fullest life that is my ultimate goal. On a personal level this is soo about me and being my complete physical self. To follow in a dear friend of mine steps of O wisdom I am taking the Oprah weight loss challenge. Wish me luck. The next journey begins.

To new beginnings.

First step in the Right Direction

Well...

Blog family it is official, I have lost control of me. I began today the process of gaining control of myself and being the complete person that I am intended to be externally. My motivation is life. My determination is critical to my success on all acccords. I guess for such a long period of my life I have been developing the person that people see first internally and accepting of my flaws and loving me for my sense of humor, personal style, loyalty toward family and friends,positive spirit and optimistic reality about life. Now, the people that I have surrounded myself with are all smart and wonderful people that I beleive see pass the occassional adult acne, which is drving me crazy, the weight gain and the need to project my physical apperance and low self esteem off on everyone that I encounter. The common denominator of these flaws are that I can do something about them. The only way this will happen is by me accepting them and dealing with them directly and not shying away or throwing in the white towel. This is about self control and helping myself become the best person I can be.

It is a lifestyle change that is mostly surrounded by moderation and choosing one foods over another. I don't eat beef,so thats a start. I don't drink pop or soda (depends on where your from), I have reintroduced myself to how much I love fruit, and will try my damnest to keep some yogurt down, Remembering not to eat past 7pm, keeping active as much as possible even if its doing things around the house, and keeping up with my daily journal on spiritually, emotional and mental growth, and health mind and body. I want to be the complete person I am intended to be.


Day #1: She kicked my ass!

LOL... not really but she is my personal trainer and she's cheap too, all I have to do is bake her chicken as payment. This is mostly because I don't have a job currently but when that day comes I will actually start charging her. She is small in frame but a physically strong person, who knew, she can left more weights than me, and I didn't realize I am slightly competitive so this is a problem I will have to one up her on. She is perfect for me a think, she's strean but sensitive to the fact that I have not worked out in a long time and she wants to help me be a healthier person, but she won't be so mean that I will quite and tell everyone not to deal with her... LOL

Today, July 14, 2008- I ran 30 mins on the elipitical, 3 set rep of 12 on lite weights, and 3 sets of 25 crunches ( they hurt!) and than 15 mins cool down.

Today I ate: Necturine, some rice and broccoli, than around for dinner I had a chicken burger, and spinach (MMMMM, not being scarstic either).

God give me the strength.

Toothbrushes

I learned something about myself this weekend that wasn't necessarily something I didn't know but something that I never really tapped
into completely as to not feel a certain pain or discomfort shoot through my soul and reveal a person to me that either I haven't seen in
a while or that I don't care to tap into because of the consequences that may follow.

Last night while out with a friend I was voluntarily placed in a situation that consisted of me getting so upset that I actually saw the
person I was in the the argument with life flash before my eyes! It involved an asshole blocking the street and me turning into the
community police to resolve the issue of this guy making a conscious decisions to stop in the middle of the street to talk to his friend
on a one lane street that was busy because its downtown Ann Arbor. Also in the mist of words exchanged and the resolution of having
the dude move I became so upset when something extra was said because it was not my fault this man had decided to block the road
and be rude and disrespectful to not only myself but others that had to go around him because of his sheer ignorance and arrogance.

To make a mid size story short I realize a lot of my anger is connect with a traumatic incident that happened when I was about 15 years
old. I was never consoled or allowed to discuss what I felt regarding that incident on top of other situations that took place in my life
that were either placed to the back of my mind or never talked about due to the guilt and anger that were generated by those
circumstances. I acknowledged that I could have easily beat a man to death because of his direct disrespect and not because I thought
my life or my friend's life was endanger. I walked myself through this possible life that I could have lived because of one incident that
set me off so many years ago. I could be a ex-convict, on drugs, promiscuous, non trustworthy, unloyal, mean, hated, etc. the list
could have went on and on but than I realized that I never would have met the people that I have and become the person that people
see before them now. I love life for the most part and pretty much seem to be a positive, open minded person with room to grow, learn,
and teach. I must choose my battles wisely, but I must remember to still fight .

The past has its way of entering back into your life when you least expect it. I started the process of cleaning my old apt. today and
moving things from one house to the next. I noticed that I had saved my toothbrush that I had while with my ex-girlfriend. It was a
toothbrush that she had given me the first night I stayed at her house. To me that toothbrush represented something that I had and
would never have again, so I thought, however today when I saw it in the draw, I felt something, I felt what could best be described as
pressure released that made me slightly light headed and relaxed. I throw it in the garbage without a second thought, as to erase
any memory of what was and hold tight to what is. we are free from each other emotionally. As I sit here I realize that I must delete
all the stuff belonging to her from my laptop tomorrow. A cleaning of the house of sorts. It was what it was but the reality is that it isn't
anymore and this is best for all involved.

One thing I know about myself is that I love hard because on a selfish level I want to be loved and love more than anything in this
world. the beauty of loving hard is that you decide who gets to receive you in that capacity. I don't regret, or hate, or forget because it
had production rights over the person you see before you today. However, I'm concerned... I now have the desire to love as hard as I did
but the problem lies in who will I choose this time? The possibilities that I may choose another person that will hurt me again is
something that you feel will swallow you whole and consume your soul this time around and there ain't no comin' back from losing your
soul! I think about how self destructive I thought but never acted out on, the situations that were never addressed that would have
made me stay longer and the possibility that I would have killed myself because being without her becuase that would hurt more. I wear my feelings
on my shoulders, my hands, my eyes, my smile, and even the way I sit in a chair. I want to love as hard as I did before but I want to be safe
about it, protect myself by all means necessary. So I have friends, 2 to be exact that I trust with my life.

Not once have I questioned a single thing about either one of them. Now this is not to say that I think we will ever have a falling out but I have this connection with them that is intimate, meaningful, and has with it a unspoken commitment. I have never thought that they
thought less of me or questioned my judgement on a particular situation and even if they did it was done in a manner that helped me
understand where they were coming from and to accept that it was several solutions to the issue that I believe only had one, which was
the one I choose. LOL

I read on something that Aries have this ability to gravitate toward individuals that are dynamic and original, very much like
themselves.Now I by no means think I'm dynamic just corny, but original is a definite! A common theme among those that I call friend
and these particular two is that they are strong willed, brilliant people. I have noticed though that I love each the same on a superficial
level but in individually independent ways on a deeper level. These two however know me completely yet even their relationship with me is different
yet the same, but they are the closest.This isn't based on what I have shared with them about my personal life its mostly what I feel. With most of my friends I am connected to them, with these two we have a connection.

Connected and connection different in the manner that I never feel a longing to connect with most of my friends and would do fine if I never saw or talked to
them on a daily basis , but we are connected through others' connections that make us exist together. the connection that I have with theses two is that I
long to see them or talk to them constantly. I feel something internally when I haven't talked to them or seen them in the physical
being, I crave their energy emotionally and internally. It is an intimate experience whether we are talking about our favorite kids show
growing up or an traumatic event in our life that made us question if God exist. It is that connection that I fear to share with a romantic
partner so it is manifested in my desire to make similar connections with them and be in a safe place. though there is the possibility
of being hurt what this is could be explained by the three of us, but we acknowledge it to be whatever it is and exist within it because
one thing is certain it makes me feel good. I share a part of myself with these people, our pies are whole and what i hope is everlasting.


May it contiune to grow and function within itself making us stronger and better individuals.

Chasing Pavements

I love this video!!!! Adele has a voice that resembles what silk would sound like if it could talk and sing. My interpretation of this song seems to be were I am right now.

I had an insightful meditation, one that afterward I had to call my boy Vic to help me put somethings into perspective and acknowledge that I am continuing with my work in progress. yet the Arian within me wants to figure it out all in one day so I can be fulfilled. My lack of patience and need for ego stroke is quite possibly my most destructive traits that I possess. Yet, I work at them on a daily basis I'm so hard on myself that I have these moments of feeling defeated and saying forget it! Its interesting to me how I Chase Pavements in my life but never set out with any goals from the beginning... I just do, yet am disappointed when I realize that I haven't reached my expectations that were never set to began with... makes NO SENSE!!!

From this day forward I mean what I say and say what I mean. I will right down goals that I want to complete within my life time and I will work at each of them as life happens.I need a simple plan that is not potential for self destruction but taps into the person that I want to be and am intended to be. Life will work as it does to help me with this, I can't control everything, I have to internalize this. However, I can take control of my life and if I remain genuine than that is all that I can ask of myself and give to others.

my work in progress continues...

The rebirth

After my weekend of retreat and cleansing here before you is a new person. A person that is collecting, taking inventory, and discarding the things that are not important toward my complete happiness. I want to free myself of all the negative energy that exist in my life that has brought me to this place of not loving me enough. It is interesting when in thought you learn what matters the most and you know that you must be the person that you were intended to be regardless of what anyone thinks of it. These are the things that I am certain of regarding myself:

I'm black, educated, free, wise beyond my years, tall, loved, a woman, a daughter, a niece,a granddaugther,a leader,a follower,a mentor,a cousin,a sister, a lesbian, loyal, a friend, a believer, and me.

I realized a few things throughout the duration of my trip: (1)I lived for some many but never myself first. (2) I must live for me first before I can add to anyone else life in which God places people in my life that will add to my life as I will to theirs. (3) I search for an inner peace that exist only in me, the search rest here, so I work toward finding that peace and internal happiness, that you feel when life is right and energy is only positive. (4) Believing that my soul knows what is best for me and stop second guessing how I care for me. (5) Defining friend to fit only a selected few,remembering that everyone is not my friend. (6) Continuing to love with my whole being and never let anyone take that from me.

Thank you to the woman that helped me to see myself completely for the first time and began the process of loving me. I know we as human beings are not perfect but somehow you manifest the impossible. I truly see God in you and everything that you produce to the world. It is an honor knowing you and a privilege to call you my friend.

Thank you to my mother who has provided this foundation for me to love so simply and freely. Thank you for sacrificing so much of yourself for me, you are my strength and the reason why I will continue to be the success that I am meant to be and produce to the world the gifts that you have allowed me the opportunity to learn, grow, and develop all on my own. When I think of you I realize how truly blessed I am.

Thank you to Father who tries to be the father that his father never was. You had no blueprint to what it looks like and you did the very best you could.You have your own hurt that you deal with and I understand. I forgive because you are my father, I love you because you made me, I represent love.

Thank you to my friend Victor, you are my hero!!! You have a contagious presence that oozes authenticity and positivity.You are what being real is. In such a short amount of time we have into this relationship that is close and real. I trust you with my life, thank you for your energy and warm, loving spirit. You are God-like.

We must recognize and nurture the creative parts of each other without always understanding what will be created.

Audre Lorde said it best:

"We tend to think of the erotic as an easy, tantalizing sexual arousal. I speak of the erotic as the deepest life force, a force which moves us toward living in a fundamental way."

I love this quote, one that I have just adopted into my internal to help me cope with life as it has been and prepare me for how it will be.

I have loved women since my existence into this world. As a child raised by five mothers(actual mother,3 aunts, and grandmother) I have had strong- minded, Strong willed leading women in my life that have shaped and mold me over the years. It has been this love given by women to a woman that has taught me how to love a woman.

I explore my sexuality just not on the basis of what it can for a man, or how it can bring life into the world but I express my sexuality by how I love other women, especially women of color,and more specifically black women.

Therefore, as Audre puts it all women are lesbians. Historically women have always been identified by our physical,enslaved and beaten like our brothers yet our scares are deeper. Connected to the rape and mutilation we suffer, never forgetting, always reminded that we are women first. Never recognized by our mental strengths that allow us to forgive our rapist,abuser,child molesters,fathers, brothers, uncles, cousins, neighborhoods,etc. Yet, never forgiving ourselves and each other.

Women have this ability to love so freely and it never be brought into question. Men on the other hand would never openly admit to a deeper connection with another man. Men have been socialized to fight against this tend of emotional and spiritual connections with aggression, manipulation, and fear of homosexuality. Gay men also are a victim of this same social disease that labels them as being over sexed, infected,and internalized homophobia.

Even within our oppressive lives are able to create this place in which we can share intimacy between us and it be respected,nurtured, and accepted as it is I believe this allows women to fall in love with other women so easily. I believe if men were the more oppressed group this connection would be acceptable. Men that don't internalize this socialized classification of masculinity are considered gay or "strange". Ostracized by their ability to not allow themselves to fall victim to a structure that keeps each of us stagnate and never moving forward progressively and without so many restrictions.

Women that say they just have sex with other women are in actuality attempting to feel something more than what they have been socialized to embrace. Everyone knows that there is this place within ourselves that has not yet been fulfilled, we are given the chance,and dear we are to take it to express this feeling,sometimes called temptation. However, one has to understand that if it was never a possibility within the corners of our mind one would have never distinguished it as a temptation and therefore a resistance or weakness of the mind.

To have a emotional, spiritual transformation of intimacy with someone of the same sex it is with those two individuals that a decision is made on whether to explore a physical and sexual connect as well. When one has been stimulated, nurtured, romanticized through a force that is unlike any other we tend to want to further this expression through erotic sexual attraction, yet as Audre explains the erotic part has already taken place, the expression of our sexuality is just the icing on the cake perhaps.

It is human nature to connect with someone on a level unlike any other relationship we have had before. We make things complicated when we only allow ourselves to connect with the opposite of our ones' kind because of the stigma associated with that expression. If we deconstruct love we would come to understand that it as we know it is not a gender role expression but the possibility of creating something new and unknown and the fear of it becoming a reality and it being greater and better than can be imagined. The fear lies in the unknown,yet knowing that either way you will come out of it differently than before.

I love this way because I got it as a child. I love women, because I am a woman and I accept love because I deserve it.

God Bless

Top 10 things that make you go hmm...

10. One of the world's most stereotypical gay men I know things he foolin' folks and that people actually think he's straight!

9.That folks think I'm going to help buy someone else a house when I will be homeless in 3 weeks and moving back home with my mother.

8.Homophobic homosexuals... I'll never understand, thank God!

7.Organizations that think being in the closet is a step in the right direction for gay people to get the rights they deserve.

6.Jemery being on a "EXPERT" panel.

5.Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon, who knew they even knew each other?

4.Lazy men and women that rather have their significant other primarily support them when they know he/she is having money problems.

3.A New Earth... I get my copy tomorrow! spiritual journey guide for my retreat.

2.Why I'm STILL unemployed after receiving two degrees.

1. R. Kelly getting acquitted for having sex with a underage person and it isn't word of mouth but an actual video tape with his face in it with the cornrolls, bump and grind playing in the background and everything. Makes NO DAMN SENSE, YA'LL!!!!!!

Friends forever to the end of time...

Well... I'm going on a retreat with one of my dear newest friends. It has been something that over the last few weeks we have grown so close so quickly. She is a wonderful and beautiful person and I never would have thought that 4 years ago when she turned around and told me she liked my shoes that we would be vacationing together. I think it is so important that as a openly gay woman that I have friendships with women outside my family that are healthy and honest and whether or not these women are gay,straight, or otherwise connecting with someone on another level is what I look forward to more than anything aside from being career successful.


Today, My dear friend's nephew graduated from Preschool!!! It was beautiful and reminded me that I actually like kids more than comes across. It meant a lot to me to be there, because for one this is not my nephew and I have no relation to this young person but he likes me and most important his family likes me enough to invite me to his day of transition. It meant to so much to be apart of that experience. I hope to be invited to many more to come.

I'm glad to see my friend is doing so much better since moving back to Detroit. He's a wonderful person that has and will continue to bring so much to this world. There needs to be more people like him that are genuine and that love the human race like he does. He has the ability to touch lives everywhere he goes and I'm not only envious of this ability but with his knowledge I work at myself everyday to view the world as he does. I don't always see things the way he does, but I have learned so much from him all ready. I believe the concept of we were in existence before we even realized it and now that we are as close as we have come to be I can't imagine not being friends with this man.

P.S. I know he reads my blogs so don't get a big head, boy and I love you! LOL

It's been too long...

since I've blogged which is now my head on addiction until something else comes in to distract me from being productive with my life.
So that last time I blogged I was discussing how I was going to break the news to my friend about not wanting to be apart of her wedding...well, as I stated I took some time to figure out what my heart was trying to say,and if the force isn't working she emailed me and the other ladies thanked everyone for being apart of this and how much its appreciated.I just couldn't do it, so I will be in the wedding and I will like it! But really taking that time to watch someone that I love and respect, who is really like my sister, it would be ashame for me not to be there based on my own ego. I will be as much involved as she and Ben need right now. As I get older I send all relationships through a test now becuase I want accurate,honest and strong (mental and phsyical) persons on my side. Is that being unreasonable????

Any ways I love her and will be apart of her big as much as I can.

I have only had maybe 8 hours of sleep within the last 3 days so I'm heading to bed, this shit can wait,hunny.

May the force be with you

Where is my positive energy???? It's stressed and has decided to take a vacation. Over the next few days I will not speak to any of my friends and center myself first with my work and than with myself personally. I think after a meeting I have on Tuesday I'm going to take off and drive somewhere,and sleep in my car and enjoy the weather, refocus and come to terms with certain things good and bad, by either doing something about it if its bad and enhancing it closer to my soul if its good.

I may invite one friend, but only one. I don't trust many people in my life which as I get older I realise is a problem. I have established relationships with certain individuals that I now bring into question and quite frankly I have figured I don't want a relationship with. The biggest issue is the relationship I have with my father. I am at a point in my life were I need to disconnect from him. In all honesty he was never the father that I know he was intended to be. In fact, the best way to describe my father would be "a father by convenience". He was a good dad when he felt like it, taking me on trips to local museum, plays, parks, etc. This has brought me my cultured view of the world and continues to open my mind to new things everyday, something that I thank God for having the passion to grow with as I move throughout my journey of life in evolving into my personal legend. -THE ALCHEMIST.

The second relationship I feel that I have to walk away from temporarily is that with my friend Halima. I love her and respect the person that she is, but something has been moving within me for quite awhile involving us. So many things I want to say and I need to say can never make it a easy transition to tell someone that you don't want to be in their wedding. I will be there, just don't want to be apart of the actual ceremony.So how does one break the news??? I have no idea, but I know I have to talk to her soon, but the weddings in November so I have time, right?

I feel like I'm trying to run away from something, I'm paranoid, and I need to get the hell out of here, as soon as possible. After a meeting I have later this week, I'm getting the hell out of here before I lose my God fearin' mind!!!

May the force be with me.

I am dust blowin' away over the edge...

Popularized lyrics by one of my favorite, yet NOT as known Van Hunt. I went on campus today and realised that I have a ton of work ahead of me after meeting with my professor. He wants my report by Sunday, which means I have to work through the rest of the week and the the entire weekend to finish it in enough time for him to look it over and return it back to me. Ughh... I would have took care of it in May but I had to deal with my dad and his dramatics and also look for work which still and continues to be an issues as long as I live in Michigan.

I need a job and I need a good job that will allow me to be financially on my own because its time to be a big girl and be totally responsible for my livelihood. I love my life but I love my life as is and if I want to maintain my way of living I have to step my game up, which is what I intend to do... as soon as I finish this paper...LOL

I am such a procrastinator that I rather sit on my blog and discuss what I should be doing all while not doing it! I work better under pressure though, so bear with me people! When shit gets complicated and uncertain I make a way out of no way and well moving to another state where relationships seem to be iffy is just what I need to kick me in the right direction.

It's my time to shine or be blown over the edge... either way its my time

The manifestation of my worst fear...

I have to move away!!! LOL... yes, it's the inevitable. I must branch out into the unknown world and evolve into the person that I am intended to be. One of my dear friends who loves to quote Oprah says that "The whole point of being alive is to evolve into the complete person you were intended to be." This is my mission now, head on. It is quite the revelation to come to terms with the reality that I never truly knew myself. I have been dwelling in my "shell" (also from my dear friend) for majority of my life. I have grown complancent with the person I have allowed myself to beleive I am, now it is up to me to become the person I am meant to be. The person that my spirit knows and loves therefore loving me and accepting me as I am.

I have never thought of myself as much of a religious person but today I had a discussion with my friend about God and how I beleive the force has lead me to this point in my life that I must acknowledge that first, I was never completely happy with my life as is and two, that I have every right to be happy on my terms, I am what is important. I had convinced myself that to say that I needed to take care of me and focus on me was selfish. But ALL of my life I have made others happy by the choices that they believed were best for me. Mostly because these people are my family members,close friends and significant other and I trust them and think that they know what's best for me, but at no point did that stop and I come into my own on who I was. Now, I'm at a point in my life where I don't trust myself with myself but I have to take a chance becuase I know in 40 years I will regret what I have made of my life if I don't.

So in saying all of these,I have decided to move to Maryland, I have a few friends that live there that I hope to stay with for a short time until I find employment and than get my own place and contiune my life on my terms and no one elses. It's unfortuante how this came to be, that I will share with you at a later date...