Toothbrushes

I learned something about myself this weekend that wasn't necessarily something I didn't know but something that I never really tapped
into completely as to not feel a certain pain or discomfort shoot through my soul and reveal a person to me that either I haven't seen in
a while or that I don't care to tap into because of the consequences that may follow.

Last night while out with a friend I was voluntarily placed in a situation that consisted of me getting so upset that I actually saw the
person I was in the the argument with life flash before my eyes! It involved an asshole blocking the street and me turning into the
community police to resolve the issue of this guy making a conscious decisions to stop in the middle of the street to talk to his friend
on a one lane street that was busy because its downtown Ann Arbor. Also in the mist of words exchanged and the resolution of having
the dude move I became so upset when something extra was said because it was not my fault this man had decided to block the road
and be rude and disrespectful to not only myself but others that had to go around him because of his sheer ignorance and arrogance.

To make a mid size story short I realize a lot of my anger is connect with a traumatic incident that happened when I was about 15 years
old. I was never consoled or allowed to discuss what I felt regarding that incident on top of other situations that took place in my life
that were either placed to the back of my mind or never talked about due to the guilt and anger that were generated by those
circumstances. I acknowledged that I could have easily beat a man to death because of his direct disrespect and not because I thought
my life or my friend's life was endanger. I walked myself through this possible life that I could have lived because of one incident that
set me off so many years ago. I could be a ex-convict, on drugs, promiscuous, non trustworthy, unloyal, mean, hated, etc. the list
could have went on and on but than I realized that I never would have met the people that I have and become the person that people
see before them now. I love life for the most part and pretty much seem to be a positive, open minded person with room to grow, learn,
and teach. I must choose my battles wisely, but I must remember to still fight .

The past has its way of entering back into your life when you least expect it. I started the process of cleaning my old apt. today and
moving things from one house to the next. I noticed that I had saved my toothbrush that I had while with my ex-girlfriend. It was a
toothbrush that she had given me the first night I stayed at her house. To me that toothbrush represented something that I had and
would never have again, so I thought, however today when I saw it in the draw, I felt something, I felt what could best be described as
pressure released that made me slightly light headed and relaxed. I throw it in the garbage without a second thought, as to erase
any memory of what was and hold tight to what is. we are free from each other emotionally. As I sit here I realize that I must delete
all the stuff belonging to her from my laptop tomorrow. A cleaning of the house of sorts. It was what it was but the reality is that it isn't
anymore and this is best for all involved.

One thing I know about myself is that I love hard because on a selfish level I want to be loved and love more than anything in this
world. the beauty of loving hard is that you decide who gets to receive you in that capacity. I don't regret, or hate, or forget because it
had production rights over the person you see before you today. However, I'm concerned... I now have the desire to love as hard as I did
but the problem lies in who will I choose this time? The possibilities that I may choose another person that will hurt me again is
something that you feel will swallow you whole and consume your soul this time around and there ain't no comin' back from losing your
soul! I think about how self destructive I thought but never acted out on, the situations that were never addressed that would have
made me stay longer and the possibility that I would have killed myself because being without her becuase that would hurt more. I wear my feelings
on my shoulders, my hands, my eyes, my smile, and even the way I sit in a chair. I want to love as hard as I did before but I want to be safe
about it, protect myself by all means necessary. So I have friends, 2 to be exact that I trust with my life.

Not once have I questioned a single thing about either one of them. Now this is not to say that I think we will ever have a falling out but I have this connection with them that is intimate, meaningful, and has with it a unspoken commitment. I have never thought that they
thought less of me or questioned my judgement on a particular situation and even if they did it was done in a manner that helped me
understand where they were coming from and to accept that it was several solutions to the issue that I believe only had one, which was
the one I choose. LOL

I read on something that Aries have this ability to gravitate toward individuals that are dynamic and original, very much like
themselves.Now I by no means think I'm dynamic just corny, but original is a definite! A common theme among those that I call friend
and these particular two is that they are strong willed, brilliant people. I have noticed though that I love each the same on a superficial
level but in individually independent ways on a deeper level. These two however know me completely yet even their relationship with me is different
yet the same, but they are the closest.This isn't based on what I have shared with them about my personal life its mostly what I feel. With most of my friends I am connected to them, with these two we have a connection.

Connected and connection different in the manner that I never feel a longing to connect with most of my friends and would do fine if I never saw or talked to
them on a daily basis , but we are connected through others' connections that make us exist together. the connection that I have with theses two is that I
long to see them or talk to them constantly. I feel something internally when I haven't talked to them or seen them in the physical
being, I crave their energy emotionally and internally. It is an intimate experience whether we are talking about our favorite kids show
growing up or an traumatic event in our life that made us question if God exist. It is that connection that I fear to share with a romantic
partner so it is manifested in my desire to make similar connections with them and be in a safe place. though there is the possibility
of being hurt what this is could be explained by the three of us, but we acknowledge it to be whatever it is and exist within it because
one thing is certain it makes me feel good. I share a part of myself with these people, our pies are whole and what i hope is everlasting.


May it contiune to grow and function within itself making us stronger and better individuals.