I had a very long conversation with a good friend of mind last night who has retreated to New York. We first talked about her struggles since moving to NY and how a homicide damn near took place with some neighbors of hers, but she has the strength to make the best out of the situation and will come out stronger and better than when she went in. However, I pray for her in the time she is there.
We then talked about something that had been on my heart the whole day that had seemingly exhausted my being and placed me in a comatose state majority of the day.I explained to her that for the last week or so it had been this voice in the back of my mind that was letting me know alot about the people around me...actually it was more of a feeling that seemed to make small inserts into my mind for a later date. It wasn't until yesterday though that I felt these small thoughts in a bigger picture of what the future has to offer for me, my family, and my friends.
I am now concerned that I may not have the type of relationship I thought I had with several individuals. It concerns me, not because I have a problem with being alone, but that I may never have a genuine connection with anyone because I can't trust people. I acknowledged that I say I trust people even when I don't. Its like the thing you say because so many people want to know that they are special and that they are important to your life and that you tell them everything that you don't tell others.
I want to know that I can trust people, and for sometime I truly felt that I could, but the moment has come that I must take responsibility and admit that what I thought was authentic may not be and maybe short lived. As one of my distant friends stated, people are brought into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Most are brought into your life for a reason. So it maybe that I have learned my reason for some of my relationships and now we must distance ourselves from one another.
Also, I explained to my friend that I place myself in the role as the protector. I want to save all those that I love from hurt and never feeling pain at its fullest extent. However, this role comes from a special and warm hearted place yet is usually taken in a way in which people feel as though I want to control them, be exalted above others, or that I have done something for them that can never be repaid and they feel forever in my debt thereby needing to save themselves from me and me being falsely identified as someone that no one can trust.
As the protector I am consistently placed in a role, that I fall naively into because its all that I know and as the protector I risk the possibility of being hated because I stood in the way of someone getting hurt and because they never felt the impact of what could hurt they missed the opportunity to feel anything and this is my fault. On the other hand, when I have learned to step back and let things run their course naturally and those that I would have protected are hurt then somehow it becomes my fault, somehow my name is brought up and no one wants to step up and take responsibility so therefore I am held as responsible because it is known that I want to make everyone happy, protect everyone from hurt and I actually care what people think of me and think of each other.
There are many things that I don't say because from my experience as a child, I have self taught that my words have a lasting affect on people and though it may have been true what I said the words stick and are forever reminding of what a person lacked at that moment and somehow this is still hurtful and therefore I am still to blame of that hurt as a negative feeling and held responsible for the pain. As a result of this and to the best of my ability I stopped speaking my mind and relaxed on telling people about themselves because I didn't want people to hate me or think that I didn't want the best for them. I guess I gave into wanting people to see their true beauty because I think we all have it, yet many haven't captured it for themselves. I love to be around beautiful people and not just of physical attractiveness but truly internal beauty that radiance from their being.
I really have this very naive way of looking at the world that everyone wants the best for everyone else. Yet, this has not been my experience and needless to say has been disappointing throughout my life. I have said before that I never get angry at people but I get disappointed. I expect the best of who we are as human beings from everyone including myself. Though I have this ability to forgive so freely to others I am not the same toward my own forgiveness. I then see how this can be looked at as me proclaiming that I am better than others, when really I'm just harder on myself, and never want to make a mistake ever, but this is damn near impossible. For others I see as everyone being their best within the moment we connect with another person, or best is seen and acknowledged and we grow from that moment with that person. It is when we make mistakes that we are either forgiven or forgotten. I want to be forgive, but am mostly forgotten. The world could never be as hard on me as I am on myself.
I was once asked if I think I have to protect everyone, who is protecting me? I am. I have to protect me, because I can't trust people with me, weakness is often seen by me by the those that I call my friend, but in reality no one wants to be weak or be seen as a weak person that needs to be protected constantly. However, some can easily make those moments of weakness and come out successful, I strive to be that person, but in order to protect myself I have to know who I can trust and who I can not.
I have to keep people at a distance of me because I have to protect myself. I will protect myself first from now on, and make sure that who I am is never jeopardized for anyone, ever.
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