Chasing Pavements

I love this video!!!! Adele has a voice that resembles what silk would sound like if it could talk and sing. My interpretation of this song seems to be were I am right now.

I had an insightful meditation, one that afterward I had to call my boy Vic to help me put somethings into perspective and acknowledge that I am continuing with my work in progress. yet the Arian within me wants to figure it out all in one day so I can be fulfilled. My lack of patience and need for ego stroke is quite possibly my most destructive traits that I possess. Yet, I work at them on a daily basis I'm so hard on myself that I have these moments of feeling defeated and saying forget it! Its interesting to me how I Chase Pavements in my life but never set out with any goals from the beginning... I just do, yet am disappointed when I realize that I haven't reached my expectations that were never set to began with... makes NO SENSE!!!

From this day forward I mean what I say and say what I mean. I will right down goals that I want to complete within my life time and I will work at each of them as life happens.I need a simple plan that is not potential for self destruction but taps into the person that I want to be and am intended to be. Life will work as it does to help me with this, I can't control everything, I have to internalize this. However, I can take control of my life and if I remain genuine than that is all that I can ask of myself and give to others.

my work in progress continues...

The rebirth

After my weekend of retreat and cleansing here before you is a new person. A person that is collecting, taking inventory, and discarding the things that are not important toward my complete happiness. I want to free myself of all the negative energy that exist in my life that has brought me to this place of not loving me enough. It is interesting when in thought you learn what matters the most and you know that you must be the person that you were intended to be regardless of what anyone thinks of it. These are the things that I am certain of regarding myself:

I'm black, educated, free, wise beyond my years, tall, loved, a woman, a daughter, a niece,a granddaugther,a leader,a follower,a mentor,a cousin,a sister, a lesbian, loyal, a friend, a believer, and me.

I realized a few things throughout the duration of my trip: (1)I lived for some many but never myself first. (2) I must live for me first before I can add to anyone else life in which God places people in my life that will add to my life as I will to theirs. (3) I search for an inner peace that exist only in me, the search rest here, so I work toward finding that peace and internal happiness, that you feel when life is right and energy is only positive. (4) Believing that my soul knows what is best for me and stop second guessing how I care for me. (5) Defining friend to fit only a selected few,remembering that everyone is not my friend. (6) Continuing to love with my whole being and never let anyone take that from me.

Thank you to the woman that helped me to see myself completely for the first time and began the process of loving me. I know we as human beings are not perfect but somehow you manifest the impossible. I truly see God in you and everything that you produce to the world. It is an honor knowing you and a privilege to call you my friend.

Thank you to my mother who has provided this foundation for me to love so simply and freely. Thank you for sacrificing so much of yourself for me, you are my strength and the reason why I will continue to be the success that I am meant to be and produce to the world the gifts that you have allowed me the opportunity to learn, grow, and develop all on my own. When I think of you I realize how truly blessed I am.

Thank you to Father who tries to be the father that his father never was. You had no blueprint to what it looks like and you did the very best you could.You have your own hurt that you deal with and I understand. I forgive because you are my father, I love you because you made me, I represent love.

Thank you to my friend Victor, you are my hero!!! You have a contagious presence that oozes authenticity and positivity.You are what being real is. In such a short amount of time we have into this relationship that is close and real. I trust you with my life, thank you for your energy and warm, loving spirit. You are God-like.

We must recognize and nurture the creative parts of each other without always understanding what will be created.

Audre Lorde said it best:

"We tend to think of the erotic as an easy, tantalizing sexual arousal. I speak of the erotic as the deepest life force, a force which moves us toward living in a fundamental way."

I love this quote, one that I have just adopted into my internal to help me cope with life as it has been and prepare me for how it will be.

I have loved women since my existence into this world. As a child raised by five mothers(actual mother,3 aunts, and grandmother) I have had strong- minded, Strong willed leading women in my life that have shaped and mold me over the years. It has been this love given by women to a woman that has taught me how to love a woman.

I explore my sexuality just not on the basis of what it can for a man, or how it can bring life into the world but I express my sexuality by how I love other women, especially women of color,and more specifically black women.

Therefore, as Audre puts it all women are lesbians. Historically women have always been identified by our physical,enslaved and beaten like our brothers yet our scares are deeper. Connected to the rape and mutilation we suffer, never forgetting, always reminded that we are women first. Never recognized by our mental strengths that allow us to forgive our rapist,abuser,child molesters,fathers, brothers, uncles, cousins, neighborhoods,etc. Yet, never forgiving ourselves and each other.

Women have this ability to love so freely and it never be brought into question. Men on the other hand would never openly admit to a deeper connection with another man. Men have been socialized to fight against this tend of emotional and spiritual connections with aggression, manipulation, and fear of homosexuality. Gay men also are a victim of this same social disease that labels them as being over sexed, infected,and internalized homophobia.

Even within our oppressive lives are able to create this place in which we can share intimacy between us and it be respected,nurtured, and accepted as it is I believe this allows women to fall in love with other women so easily. I believe if men were the more oppressed group this connection would be acceptable. Men that don't internalize this socialized classification of masculinity are considered gay or "strange". Ostracized by their ability to not allow themselves to fall victim to a structure that keeps each of us stagnate and never moving forward progressively and without so many restrictions.

Women that say they just have sex with other women are in actuality attempting to feel something more than what they have been socialized to embrace. Everyone knows that there is this place within ourselves that has not yet been fulfilled, we are given the chance,and dear we are to take it to express this feeling,sometimes called temptation. However, one has to understand that if it was never a possibility within the corners of our mind one would have never distinguished it as a temptation and therefore a resistance or weakness of the mind.

To have a emotional, spiritual transformation of intimacy with someone of the same sex it is with those two individuals that a decision is made on whether to explore a physical and sexual connect as well. When one has been stimulated, nurtured, romanticized through a force that is unlike any other we tend to want to further this expression through erotic sexual attraction, yet as Audre explains the erotic part has already taken place, the expression of our sexuality is just the icing on the cake perhaps.

It is human nature to connect with someone on a level unlike any other relationship we have had before. We make things complicated when we only allow ourselves to connect with the opposite of our ones' kind because of the stigma associated with that expression. If we deconstruct love we would come to understand that it as we know it is not a gender role expression but the possibility of creating something new and unknown and the fear of it becoming a reality and it being greater and better than can be imagined. The fear lies in the unknown,yet knowing that either way you will come out of it differently than before.

I love this way because I got it as a child. I love women, because I am a woman and I accept love because I deserve it.

God Bless

Top 10 things that make you go hmm...

10. One of the world's most stereotypical gay men I know things he foolin' folks and that people actually think he's straight!

9.That folks think I'm going to help buy someone else a house when I will be homeless in 3 weeks and moving back home with my mother.

8.Homophobic homosexuals... I'll never understand, thank God!

7.Organizations that think being in the closet is a step in the right direction for gay people to get the rights they deserve.

6.Jemery being on a "EXPERT" panel.

5.Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon, who knew they even knew each other?

4.Lazy men and women that rather have their significant other primarily support them when they know he/she is having money problems.

3.A New Earth... I get my copy tomorrow! spiritual journey guide for my retreat.

2.Why I'm STILL unemployed after receiving two degrees.

1. R. Kelly getting acquitted for having sex with a underage person and it isn't word of mouth but an actual video tape with his face in it with the cornrolls, bump and grind playing in the background and everything. Makes NO DAMN SENSE, YA'LL!!!!!!

Friends forever to the end of time...

Well... I'm going on a retreat with one of my dear newest friends. It has been something that over the last few weeks we have grown so close so quickly. She is a wonderful and beautiful person and I never would have thought that 4 years ago when she turned around and told me she liked my shoes that we would be vacationing together. I think it is so important that as a openly gay woman that I have friendships with women outside my family that are healthy and honest and whether or not these women are gay,straight, or otherwise connecting with someone on another level is what I look forward to more than anything aside from being career successful.


Today, My dear friend's nephew graduated from Preschool!!! It was beautiful and reminded me that I actually like kids more than comes across. It meant a lot to me to be there, because for one this is not my nephew and I have no relation to this young person but he likes me and most important his family likes me enough to invite me to his day of transition. It meant to so much to be apart of that experience. I hope to be invited to many more to come.

I'm glad to see my friend is doing so much better since moving back to Detroit. He's a wonderful person that has and will continue to bring so much to this world. There needs to be more people like him that are genuine and that love the human race like he does. He has the ability to touch lives everywhere he goes and I'm not only envious of this ability but with his knowledge I work at myself everyday to view the world as he does. I don't always see things the way he does, but I have learned so much from him all ready. I believe the concept of we were in existence before we even realized it and now that we are as close as we have come to be I can't imagine not being friends with this man.

P.S. I know he reads my blogs so don't get a big head, boy and I love you! LOL

It's been too long...

since I've blogged which is now my head on addiction until something else comes in to distract me from being productive with my life.
So that last time I blogged I was discussing how I was going to break the news to my friend about not wanting to be apart of her wedding...well, as I stated I took some time to figure out what my heart was trying to say,and if the force isn't working she emailed me and the other ladies thanked everyone for being apart of this and how much its appreciated.I just couldn't do it, so I will be in the wedding and I will like it! But really taking that time to watch someone that I love and respect, who is really like my sister, it would be ashame for me not to be there based on my own ego. I will be as much involved as she and Ben need right now. As I get older I send all relationships through a test now becuase I want accurate,honest and strong (mental and phsyical) persons on my side. Is that being unreasonable????

Any ways I love her and will be apart of her big as much as I can.

I have only had maybe 8 hours of sleep within the last 3 days so I'm heading to bed, this shit can wait,hunny.

May the force be with you

Where is my positive energy???? It's stressed and has decided to take a vacation. Over the next few days I will not speak to any of my friends and center myself first with my work and than with myself personally. I think after a meeting I have on Tuesday I'm going to take off and drive somewhere,and sleep in my car and enjoy the weather, refocus and come to terms with certain things good and bad, by either doing something about it if its bad and enhancing it closer to my soul if its good.

I may invite one friend, but only one. I don't trust many people in my life which as I get older I realise is a problem. I have established relationships with certain individuals that I now bring into question and quite frankly I have figured I don't want a relationship with. The biggest issue is the relationship I have with my father. I am at a point in my life were I need to disconnect from him. In all honesty he was never the father that I know he was intended to be. In fact, the best way to describe my father would be "a father by convenience". He was a good dad when he felt like it, taking me on trips to local museum, plays, parks, etc. This has brought me my cultured view of the world and continues to open my mind to new things everyday, something that I thank God for having the passion to grow with as I move throughout my journey of life in evolving into my personal legend. -THE ALCHEMIST.

The second relationship I feel that I have to walk away from temporarily is that with my friend Halima. I love her and respect the person that she is, but something has been moving within me for quite awhile involving us. So many things I want to say and I need to say can never make it a easy transition to tell someone that you don't want to be in their wedding. I will be there, just don't want to be apart of the actual ceremony.So how does one break the news??? I have no idea, but I know I have to talk to her soon, but the weddings in November so I have time, right?

I feel like I'm trying to run away from something, I'm paranoid, and I need to get the hell out of here, as soon as possible. After a meeting I have later this week, I'm getting the hell out of here before I lose my God fearin' mind!!!

May the force be with me.

I am dust blowin' away over the edge...

Popularized lyrics by one of my favorite, yet NOT as known Van Hunt. I went on campus today and realised that I have a ton of work ahead of me after meeting with my professor. He wants my report by Sunday, which means I have to work through the rest of the week and the the entire weekend to finish it in enough time for him to look it over and return it back to me. Ughh... I would have took care of it in May but I had to deal with my dad and his dramatics and also look for work which still and continues to be an issues as long as I live in Michigan.

I need a job and I need a good job that will allow me to be financially on my own because its time to be a big girl and be totally responsible for my livelihood. I love my life but I love my life as is and if I want to maintain my way of living I have to step my game up, which is what I intend to do... as soon as I finish this paper...LOL

I am such a procrastinator that I rather sit on my blog and discuss what I should be doing all while not doing it! I work better under pressure though, so bear with me people! When shit gets complicated and uncertain I make a way out of no way and well moving to another state where relationships seem to be iffy is just what I need to kick me in the right direction.

It's my time to shine or be blown over the edge... either way its my time

The manifestation of my worst fear...

I have to move away!!! LOL... yes, it's the inevitable. I must branch out into the unknown world and evolve into the person that I am intended to be. One of my dear friends who loves to quote Oprah says that "The whole point of being alive is to evolve into the complete person you were intended to be." This is my mission now, head on. It is quite the revelation to come to terms with the reality that I never truly knew myself. I have been dwelling in my "shell" (also from my dear friend) for majority of my life. I have grown complancent with the person I have allowed myself to beleive I am, now it is up to me to become the person I am meant to be. The person that my spirit knows and loves therefore loving me and accepting me as I am.

I have never thought of myself as much of a religious person but today I had a discussion with my friend about God and how I beleive the force has lead me to this point in my life that I must acknowledge that first, I was never completely happy with my life as is and two, that I have every right to be happy on my terms, I am what is important. I had convinced myself that to say that I needed to take care of me and focus on me was selfish. But ALL of my life I have made others happy by the choices that they believed were best for me. Mostly because these people are my family members,close friends and significant other and I trust them and think that they know what's best for me, but at no point did that stop and I come into my own on who I was. Now, I'm at a point in my life where I don't trust myself with myself but I have to take a chance becuase I know in 40 years I will regret what I have made of my life if I don't.

So in saying all of these,I have decided to move to Maryland, I have a few friends that live there that I hope to stay with for a short time until I find employment and than get my own place and contiune my life on my terms and no one elses. It's unfortuante how this came to be, that I will share with you at a later date...