Miss One Track

I forgot to post what I ate yesterday.

my bad! Day #4:

Breakfast:Oatmeal, english muffin, yogurt, and a banana.
Lunch: sleep (lol), necturine, and a chicken burger around 2:30pm.
Dinner:A smoothie from Smoothy King, it didn't taste like my friends though, hmmm...

I walked there so it took me about 25 minutes to get there and the walk is about 1.5 or 2 miles. I walked there and walked back and Ann Arbor is hilly and it was like 186 degrees so I had to burn at least 800 calories on just the walk alone. Than I lefted weights when I got home.

I'm getting use to this workout thing and actually enjoying having more energy and not sleeping as long as I usually would.

I was on some new shit yesterday but I don't regret it, I'm keeping my post up and I want people to feel me and understand where I'm coming from. I'm by no means a poet I just felt that way yesterday and this is a safe space to express yourself, right? Let's hope.

God Bless.

I'll blog tomorrow about this currently uneventful day.

Akoma: the Heart

May God grant me the patience that I need for this part of the journey of my life. I want to accomplish so much and like all don't know what my story is to the life that I continue to live, but may I live it full, with patience and inner peace.

My first and not last tattoo of the sankofa symbol means so much to me right now. First, it forces me to retreat to my past to accept my mistakes and learn from them and work on me to never make them again. I never want to be the person I was a year ago and I hope to be better than I am today a year from now.

My second tatt will be this symbol above, Akoma: Patience and Tolerance. I have spoken briefly about my temper that I have to acknowledge in order to deal with my anger. I have to take responsiblity for my actions and learn from them that I have to deal with my issues that allow me to be angry so quickly and have shortness of patience and tolerance for things I don't understand or agree with.

I didn't understand her, I wanted to understand her, I needed to understand her in order to stay, but she didn't understand either. We never knew each other. I never knew why I loved her as much as I did if I never knew her from the beginning...

SOMETHING LIKE...
Or is it something like love?
Something like the feeling one gets when you watch her sleep,
When your heart skips a beat when she touches you,
How nothing else seems to matter when your holding her,
How simple this is when she looks at you from across a room,
How no one or nothing can smell the way she does,
The moment you see her after being away too long,
The sound of her laugh reminding you of the first time you heard something like it.
How her smile takes form starting from the corners of her mouth like a wave
connecting with the center of her top and bottom lips parting revealing her
beauty enhanced.
Wanting to take the pain away when it hurts to much for her to smile.
Her throwing the blue vase at the door when I walked out.
The sound of her crying in her sleep and me
Kissing her salty tears telling her everything would be ok though I myself was unsure if it would be.
The guilt of leaving and us ending
Finding someone, when neither can find themselves
Forgetting how much it hurt
The willingness to Something like all over again.

Two blogs for the price of one today

I forgot to blog yesterday becuase I had to finish up this presentation that I've been working on for the past couple of months.

Yesterday, same workout: 45 mins, weights, put no crunches! My stomach is killing me with pain, but I will start back with my crunches today.

I had more to eat yesterday too. Breakfast was oatmeal, english muffin, and a banana.

Lunch was mostly fruit, preztels, and a granola bar. I than worked out than I had a chicken burger, broccoli, and a piece of fruit. Than later had another piece of fruit.
I went out to dinner with my friends and had some butternut squash soup, sweet but very good. That was that. pushed dinner back to 8pm but nothing after that.

Thank you to the woman that visited my blog yesterday, it is definitely all mental and I love your website it doesn't make me feel so hopeless about this expereince and this life change. I can do this, I know I can. Plus I want to start a band when I get to my goal weight so that's something to look forward to in the near future.

Eventually, I want to learn how to play the guitar and when I do, watch out!!!


I had to share this with you all. This guy is amazing, Justin Nozuka is the name and his song After Tonight makes me think of a special person; this is for you.

Another day... for the rest of my life

Day #2: It hurts,everything hurts!!!!

WEll, I worked out again today after a phone conversation with my trainer. Yes, she calls me from her day job to check up on me and see how I'm doing. She got on me today about not eating enough!!!! Can you believe that, I haven't been hungry though and this is what I was trying to explain to her, it makes no sense for me to eat something when I'm not hungry, but I took down some spinach and more fruit to keep her off my back... LOL (though I do enjoy her being there)

Next I did cardio for 45mins burned about 700 calories, than lift weights, I'm ending my night with my crunches and than calling it a night. I really think I'm getting the mental understanding of what this is about. As so many people that have lost a ton of weight have put it, "Its a lifestyle change". That's my goal to just think smarter about what and how much of something I put into my body. I also took pics today of myself so I can see my accomplishments over time.

First thing I'm doing when I get a job is getting a membership to a gym. Than I am working out everyday for the rest of my life! LOL j/k

The goal right now though is to lose 40 lbs by my friend's wedding. This is possible and I have the will power to do it, but I have to stay focused and never lose the drive and that is why I have the personal trainer.

I'm really in this long term, its about my health and living my fullest life that is my ultimate goal. On a personal level this is soo about me and being my complete physical self. To follow in a dear friend of mine steps of O wisdom I am taking the Oprah weight loss challenge. Wish me luck. The next journey begins.

To new beginnings.

First step in the Right Direction

Well...

Blog family it is official, I have lost control of me. I began today the process of gaining control of myself and being the complete person that I am intended to be externally. My motivation is life. My determination is critical to my success on all acccords. I guess for such a long period of my life I have been developing the person that people see first internally and accepting of my flaws and loving me for my sense of humor, personal style, loyalty toward family and friends,positive spirit and optimistic reality about life. Now, the people that I have surrounded myself with are all smart and wonderful people that I beleive see pass the occassional adult acne, which is drving me crazy, the weight gain and the need to project my physical apperance and low self esteem off on everyone that I encounter. The common denominator of these flaws are that I can do something about them. The only way this will happen is by me accepting them and dealing with them directly and not shying away or throwing in the white towel. This is about self control and helping myself become the best person I can be.

It is a lifestyle change that is mostly surrounded by moderation and choosing one foods over another. I don't eat beef,so thats a start. I don't drink pop or soda (depends on where your from), I have reintroduced myself to how much I love fruit, and will try my damnest to keep some yogurt down, Remembering not to eat past 7pm, keeping active as much as possible even if its doing things around the house, and keeping up with my daily journal on spiritually, emotional and mental growth, and health mind and body. I want to be the complete person I am intended to be.


Day #1: She kicked my ass!

LOL... not really but she is my personal trainer and she's cheap too, all I have to do is bake her chicken as payment. This is mostly because I don't have a job currently but when that day comes I will actually start charging her. She is small in frame but a physically strong person, who knew, she can left more weights than me, and I didn't realize I am slightly competitive so this is a problem I will have to one up her on. She is perfect for me a think, she's strean but sensitive to the fact that I have not worked out in a long time and she wants to help me be a healthier person, but she won't be so mean that I will quite and tell everyone not to deal with her... LOL

Today, July 14, 2008- I ran 30 mins on the elipitical, 3 set rep of 12 on lite weights, and 3 sets of 25 crunches ( they hurt!) and than 15 mins cool down.

Today I ate: Necturine, some rice and broccoli, than around for dinner I had a chicken burger, and spinach (MMMMM, not being scarstic either).

God give me the strength.

Toothbrushes

I learned something about myself this weekend that wasn't necessarily something I didn't know but something that I never really tapped
into completely as to not feel a certain pain or discomfort shoot through my soul and reveal a person to me that either I haven't seen in
a while or that I don't care to tap into because of the consequences that may follow.

Last night while out with a friend I was voluntarily placed in a situation that consisted of me getting so upset that I actually saw the
person I was in the the argument with life flash before my eyes! It involved an asshole blocking the street and me turning into the
community police to resolve the issue of this guy making a conscious decisions to stop in the middle of the street to talk to his friend
on a one lane street that was busy because its downtown Ann Arbor. Also in the mist of words exchanged and the resolution of having
the dude move I became so upset when something extra was said because it was not my fault this man had decided to block the road
and be rude and disrespectful to not only myself but others that had to go around him because of his sheer ignorance and arrogance.

To make a mid size story short I realize a lot of my anger is connect with a traumatic incident that happened when I was about 15 years
old. I was never consoled or allowed to discuss what I felt regarding that incident on top of other situations that took place in my life
that were either placed to the back of my mind or never talked about due to the guilt and anger that were generated by those
circumstances. I acknowledged that I could have easily beat a man to death because of his direct disrespect and not because I thought
my life or my friend's life was endanger. I walked myself through this possible life that I could have lived because of one incident that
set me off so many years ago. I could be a ex-convict, on drugs, promiscuous, non trustworthy, unloyal, mean, hated, etc. the list
could have went on and on but than I realized that I never would have met the people that I have and become the person that people
see before them now. I love life for the most part and pretty much seem to be a positive, open minded person with room to grow, learn,
and teach. I must choose my battles wisely, but I must remember to still fight .

The past has its way of entering back into your life when you least expect it. I started the process of cleaning my old apt. today and
moving things from one house to the next. I noticed that I had saved my toothbrush that I had while with my ex-girlfriend. It was a
toothbrush that she had given me the first night I stayed at her house. To me that toothbrush represented something that I had and
would never have again, so I thought, however today when I saw it in the draw, I felt something, I felt what could best be described as
pressure released that made me slightly light headed and relaxed. I throw it in the garbage without a second thought, as to erase
any memory of what was and hold tight to what is. we are free from each other emotionally. As I sit here I realize that I must delete
all the stuff belonging to her from my laptop tomorrow. A cleaning of the house of sorts. It was what it was but the reality is that it isn't
anymore and this is best for all involved.

One thing I know about myself is that I love hard because on a selfish level I want to be loved and love more than anything in this
world. the beauty of loving hard is that you decide who gets to receive you in that capacity. I don't regret, or hate, or forget because it
had production rights over the person you see before you today. However, I'm concerned... I now have the desire to love as hard as I did
but the problem lies in who will I choose this time? The possibilities that I may choose another person that will hurt me again is
something that you feel will swallow you whole and consume your soul this time around and there ain't no comin' back from losing your
soul! I think about how self destructive I thought but never acted out on, the situations that were never addressed that would have
made me stay longer and the possibility that I would have killed myself because being without her becuase that would hurt more. I wear my feelings
on my shoulders, my hands, my eyes, my smile, and even the way I sit in a chair. I want to love as hard as I did before but I want to be safe
about it, protect myself by all means necessary. So I have friends, 2 to be exact that I trust with my life.

Not once have I questioned a single thing about either one of them. Now this is not to say that I think we will ever have a falling out but I have this connection with them that is intimate, meaningful, and has with it a unspoken commitment. I have never thought that they
thought less of me or questioned my judgement on a particular situation and even if they did it was done in a manner that helped me
understand where they were coming from and to accept that it was several solutions to the issue that I believe only had one, which was
the one I choose. LOL

I read on something that Aries have this ability to gravitate toward individuals that are dynamic and original, very much like
themselves.Now I by no means think I'm dynamic just corny, but original is a definite! A common theme among those that I call friend
and these particular two is that they are strong willed, brilliant people. I have noticed though that I love each the same on a superficial
level but in individually independent ways on a deeper level. These two however know me completely yet even their relationship with me is different
yet the same, but they are the closest.This isn't based on what I have shared with them about my personal life its mostly what I feel. With most of my friends I am connected to them, with these two we have a connection.

Connected and connection different in the manner that I never feel a longing to connect with most of my friends and would do fine if I never saw or talked to
them on a daily basis , but we are connected through others' connections that make us exist together. the connection that I have with theses two is that I
long to see them or talk to them constantly. I feel something internally when I haven't talked to them or seen them in the physical
being, I crave their energy emotionally and internally. It is an intimate experience whether we are talking about our favorite kids show
growing up or an traumatic event in our life that made us question if God exist. It is that connection that I fear to share with a romantic
partner so it is manifested in my desire to make similar connections with them and be in a safe place. though there is the possibility
of being hurt what this is could be explained by the three of us, but we acknowledge it to be whatever it is and exist within it because
one thing is certain it makes me feel good. I share a part of myself with these people, our pies are whole and what i hope is everlasting.


May it contiune to grow and function within itself making us stronger and better individuals.