Protect ME always

I had a very long conversation with a good friend of mind last night who has retreated to New York. We first talked about her struggles since moving to NY and how a homicide damn near took place with some neighbors of hers, but she has the strength to make the best out of the situation and will come out stronger and better than when she went in. However, I pray for her in the time she is there.
We then talked about something that had been on my heart the whole day that had seemingly exhausted my being and placed me in a comatose state majority of the day.I explained to her that for the last week or so it had been this voice in the back of my mind that was letting me know alot about the people around me...actually it was more of a feeling that seemed to make small inserts into my mind for a later date. It wasn't until yesterday though that I felt these small thoughts in a bigger picture of what the future has to offer for me, my family, and my friends.
I am now concerned that I may not have the type of relationship I thought I had with several individuals. It concerns me, not because I have a problem with being alone, but that I may never have a genuine connection with anyone because I can't trust people. I acknowledged that I say I trust people even when I don't. Its like the thing you say because so many people want to know that they are special and that they are important to your life and that you tell them everything that you don't tell others.

I want to know that I can trust people, and for sometime I truly felt that I could, but the moment has come that I must take responsibility and admit that what I thought was authentic may not be and maybe short lived. As one of my distant friends stated, people are brought into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Most are brought into your life for a reason. So it maybe that I have learned my reason for some of my relationships and now we must distance ourselves from one another.

Also, I explained to my friend that I place myself in the role as the protector. I want to save all those that I love from hurt and never feeling pain at its fullest extent. However, this role comes from a special and warm hearted place yet is usually taken in a way in which people feel as though I want to control them, be exalted above others, or that I have done something for them that can never be repaid and they feel forever in my debt thereby needing to save themselves from me and me being falsely identified as someone that no one can trust.

As the protector I am consistently placed in a role, that I fall naively into because its all that I know and as the protector I risk the possibility of being hated because I stood in the way of someone getting hurt and because they never felt the impact of what could hurt they missed the opportunity to feel anything and this is my fault. On the other hand, when I have learned to step back and let things run their course naturally and those that I would have protected are hurt then somehow it becomes my fault, somehow my name is brought up and no one wants to step up and take responsibility so therefore I am held as responsible because it is known that I want to make everyone happy, protect everyone from hurt and I actually care what people think of me and think of each other.

There are many things that I don't say because from my experience as a child, I have self taught that my words have a lasting affect on people and though it may have been true what I said the words stick and are forever reminding of what a person lacked at that moment and somehow this is still hurtful and therefore I am still to blame of that hurt as a negative feeling and held responsible for the pain. As a result of this and to the best of my ability I stopped speaking my mind and relaxed on telling people about themselves because I didn't want people to hate me or think that I didn't want the best for them. I guess I gave into wanting people to see their true beauty because I think we all have it, yet many haven't captured it for themselves. I love to be around beautiful people and not just of physical attractiveness but truly internal beauty that radiance from their being.

I really have this very naive way of looking at the world that everyone wants the best for everyone else. Yet, this has not been my experience and needless to say has been disappointing throughout my life. I have said before that I never get angry at people but I get disappointed. I expect the best of who we are as human beings from everyone including myself. Though I have this ability to forgive so freely to others I am not the same toward my own forgiveness. I then see how this can be looked at as me proclaiming that I am better than others, when really I'm just harder on myself, and never want to make a mistake ever, but this is damn near impossible. For others I see as everyone being their best within the moment we connect with another person, or best is seen and acknowledged and we grow from that moment with that person. It is when we make mistakes that we are either forgiven or forgotten. I want to be forgive, but am mostly forgotten. The world could never be as hard on me as I am on myself.

I was once asked if I think I have to protect everyone, who is protecting me? I am. I have to protect me, because I can't trust people with me, weakness is often seen by me by the those that I call my friend, but in reality no one wants to be weak or be seen as a weak person that needs to be protected constantly. However, some can easily make those moments of weakness and come out successful, I strive to be that person, but in order to protect myself I have to know who I can trust and who I can not.

I have to keep people at a distance of me because I have to protect myself. I will protect myself first from now on, and make sure that who I am is never jeopardized for anyone, ever.

Too much off the top

I have been doing some retrospective thinking this morning on how things are going with my new job, which for the record I love. One thing I have definitely noticed and take full responsibility for is that I have to tone down on my enthusiastic, overwhelming,inappropriate behavior with my co-workers. It is safe to say that I have become very comfortable in my new environment, and even more comfortable with my co-workers, which on the grand scale will at some point be a concern for those that I work closely with because no one will know how to say that I have crossed a line, yet I will be at worst fired or officially reprimanded for my behavior.

I have to remind myself that this is a job first and an opportunity for me to expand on my understanding and knowledge of what I love to do That is help motivate, educate, and generate young people to take action and be the change that the world needs the most and that will make a permanent mark on society. My passion for motivating young people to take responsibility and find the true meaning for their existence is something that even I still work at on a daily basis. I want to make it clear to myself that I am just a student that wants to teach what I've learned, not a teacher that knows what to teach and hopes that those taught have learned. However, I have to remind myself daily of this, which is why I believe I have people in my life that help to keep me in check. I have to remind myself that this is a profession, a part- time one, but a profession none the less. I want to make it crystal clear that what they may allow as acceptable from each other will not be necessarily taken in the same stride of myself. I have to believe that these people like me, but at any point will become offended,intimidated, overwhelmed, annoyed, or at the very worst frightened by my natural state of being.

From this day forward I will be more consciously aware of my surroundings, the comments I make to my co-workers,and the even the seemingly harmless inappropriate comments made to me by my co-workers. I will be focus on the task at hand to help open,explore, and build on the minds of the young people that I have the pleasure to work and grow with , and learn from. Also, I don't want to possibly loss my job because I got to comfortable to quickly and as a result be set as the example of sexual harassment within the workplace. I digress my intensity, compulsiveness, and crude behavior and I take this experience with a humble heart, an open mind to learn from some of the most brilliant people I have the privilege to work with, and a opportunity to exercise my knowledge and skills on marginalized group of individuals that I will have the ability to go out into the working world and make the ultimate and permanent change that I see for the world.

I thank God for this chance to truly feel that I am apart of the change and the evolution of my complete self that I was intended to be.

The truth of the matter is...

I had a long discussion with my closet friend last night about the power control of relationships, all relationships. I explained how it was this split moment in which someone has to take responsibility over the situation in order for it NOT to result in the outcome that both people involved feel would be self destructive to the circumstances. Is the reality of what you feel and it existing that exposes us to the truth and the responsibility of both, but realistically one person saying this is what we are, this is my intentions, what are yours? But we don't do this, none of us do this. We give each other the reason of a doubt and never question motives until it is too late and someone, usually the more logical person, who indirectly has been assigned that responsibility by both involved never took control of the situation and stop it before it got to the place in which their was a misunderstanding or someone was hurt.

I will use my personal experience as an example:

My ex was the most attractive woman that I had ever dated. She was also the rudest, the most inconsiderate at times, and verbally abusive. Now I must be honest with myself to acknowledge that I would never had accepted this behavior from any of the other women that I had dated before her. Yet, she was someone I felt I would have never had a chance in hell with and this was just the shit I had to deal with to be in this relationship, because as I justified her behavior she was also gorgeous and one of the smartest people I had ever met. She on the other hand never thought she was beautiful or smart and actually had incredibly low self esteem and was even dealing with depression as a result of this negative self image she felt toward herself.
I would try my best to assure her that I wasn't going anywhere and that she was all I wanted, however, in the meantime she would put me down and disrespect me to destroy my self esteem and create an even stronger sense of low self worth.

Quite effective, yet when it came time to face reality of what was; instead of what could be I admitted to myself that this was a person that I couldn't be with because it was going to kill me, I would have done anything to make her happy and make her realize how much I loved and respected her as a human being, first, and as my significant other second. When I acknowledged that I was not given the same respect and she had issues that would only destroy us both I had to take responsibility and remove myself from the situation, and save her from herself to come to terms with the reality that this was not a healthy relationship.

I remember the first thing I asked her when we met, What is your intentions with me??? She said she just wanted to sleep with me, but that something happened that she felt more could come from this relationship than just sex. I admitted that this was my first authentic, self motivated relationship that I would work at to maintain, and I will be the first to admit that I'm not perfect and I made mistakes, and even said a couple things that I now regret, but it was real and the reality of it was that we didn't belong together. This I knew a week into it, but I ignored my responsibility and continued on with the relationship.

So the truth of the matter was we know when something isn't right at the beginning but for several reasons, mostly selfish reasons we go through with it and allow it to take form, yet struggle with the consequences of the actions that follow that decision. Don't take responsibility when shit hits the fan and deal with the hurt, pain, guilt, self esteem issues, hatred, sadness, regret then. Control the wrongness at the began, either it can be fixed or not, but if its not right than don't go through with it. Your ego is what keeps you there and your ego is what will suffer the most when it turns out just as it felt like it would at the beginning.

Being completely honest with everyone will make you feel like the craziest bitch alive.