Do their souls run as deep as they did before?

A dear friend of mine said that this blogging would be theraptic for me but DAMN!!!!


My day started off slow. I woke, washed up, got dressed and headed out to hopefully meet with another social worker about my case. I spoke with her for apporximately 5 mintues than headed out the door on my way to my job. As I stepped in the car my phone went off and it was a coworker asking me to have her back on another case that she was heading to at 11am. It was only 9:05am so heading to work would be pointless when I have to drive back to my neck of the woods where this person stays. So I decided to hang out with my dear friend from an hour or so, to past the time.

He was up working on his lecture discussing African American poetry and music and the the "spark of a new revolution". He's brilliance never ceases to amaze me and I only hope that I can make it to his lecture tonight. Its at 7pm so if I take care of business here, its a go! We'll as time processed it came near to heading out to help out my coworker with her case.

I was a little familiar with the area so it was clear to me where we were headed, but she's from the burbs and I didn't want her to get stunted like many do when rolling through the hood,especially a hood that I am familiar with and one that carries with it its own rep and police escort. As we neared the block and drove up to the home, and I noticed my coworker in my in my reveiw turning the block. With her eyes wide shut we narrowed to the home of her new case and introduced ourselves. She looked a little confused, probably wondering why so many people were walking up to her door step and "Assessing the situation" as we are taught in bullshit state of Michigan training.

As we entered into the home. Ms. K started expressing her feelings on us coming to her door. Tears started flowing as she described the night her son got shot almost 17 times and lived to tell us about it, and now CPS was at her door telling her she was an unfit mother, with a possible drug addiction. Tears fell from her face as she explained that since she was 15 years of age she had been on her own as a child, Married a man that beat her ass, and verbally abused her for nearly 25 years, raised three boys and one girl, and nearly 10-15 more young folks throughout the neighborhood that needed a roof over the head or food in their stomach. She stated that she saw herself at 15years of age, wondering the streets, turning tricks just to get by. Married the first man she had a child with and is the only man she had four children with. Physical and verbal assualted on a daily basis until she said enough, and now this. She talked about how the day she left him he said to her in a drunk slur that she would never amount to anything, and that all her life would ever be about was this. Her tears seem to carry with it not only this current pain of having her two youngest children taken from her, but the pain of a man she loved more than herself yet he only spoke of hate toward her. The pain of a woman tired of fighting and being judged by a society that looks to her as some unfit mother when she was taken on the role of so many mothers that were to busy fighting for their lives and now this. Now here we stood attempting to "Improve her parenting skills", and "Address concerns of drug addiction".

Weed is considered the gateway drug but based on the evidence of a woman that has fought for some many reasons both good and bad, a puff of weed from a life of not knowing where the next meal would come from and if the utility bills would get paid, this seem to be her only escape. This seem to be her redemption. "It was this or death", she stated. "I chose this and this is all I have". Ms. K represents that mother that screams out at the funeral home laying across a son that had so much potential and life, loved basketball, and had a baby on the way, kicked with his boys on the weekend, and loved fried chicken. She represented the teenage mother just giving birth to her first child wondering how she will do it,without him, there needs to be a plan. I need to be different than my mother, I need to be,yet I don't know how this is done.

There is no blueprint for first time mothers that never had a stable home, a father,a job, an education, a real chance. The odds are not just against this woman that are against the sons that come from her womb. They are their worst enemy and fear is the leading suspect. It is fear that takes their lives not each other, it is fear that robs them blind in bright daylight, it is fear that breaks a mother down after so many years of holding on and being strong. She bares it all, all the time.

Those must be those dusty, dark rivers creeping in on us and her soul, her soul is empty.

Today I found out just how gay I am

To lighten the mood I have decided to talk about my daily expreience as a lesbion, working in a private Christian based agency, with less forunate families that have strong christian based family values but can't stop hitting and cursing at there 6 year old.

I realized today how gay I am. I was surfing the net like I do everyday when I get to work bright and early around 8am. a friend of mine has this beautiful friend of his that I made a decision on needing to know when I had the opportunity to met her the other day. Well, I decided that the way I would go about this is to start by checking out her blog page regulary. Well, turns out aside from being absolutely beautiful she's funny, sarcastic, smart, and a realist.

So than I setback and asked myself. Is this some form of stalking? I don't think so. I think its flattering, I find her interesting and its a public site for godsakes! She wants me to check out her page, right? Well, I hope so. But also it gives me an opportunity to get to know her through her blog. I beleive someone blog is just a computer animated image of them. Its what you want me to know, because its what you feel most comfortable with me knowning. Its by your discretion. If its too personal, maybe you shouldn't tell the internet about it. Maybe you should write it in a journal that you keep between your mattress or under your draws in your dresser. However you do, a blog is meant for reading and knowing the author, and that's what I intended on doing.

As the day progressed and I invited myself once again on her page I said to self. Self, you really feelin' this chick, huh? I mean, I'm sitting at work tuning all these crank ass bitches out, who have decided they hate my gay ass, because when I speak to them in the morning you would have thought I winked and grab their ass whispering hey baby in their ear from the dirty looks I get or that there upset with themselves because that's exactly what they want me to do. Whatever the case their mean!!!

Yet, this friend of my friend is amazing and reading her blog is like having morning coffee with her and enjoying morning conversation. she's refreching. I anticipate more reads to come. Oh, and did I mention she's gay too.

Wonderful.

Love, noun and verb

To need or require; benefit greatly from as a verb.

A profoundly tender, passionate affection as a noun.


We love and loved so freely that we forget the root of its existence. We love and loved so deeply that we've lost its depth.

It is fair to say that I have been in love, loved, love, and been loved by loving or not loving another that was loved and love them. Yet, I still can't seem to get it right. I still can't seem to figure out how it is created, when it takes form, and when we acknowledge its there. These three things happen at all different times, this we know, Yet most are unsure as when this happens. But does it really matter? To me simply, yes.

It matters because it hurts. It matters when you hit me. It matters when you don't call. It matters when you leave. It matters when you lie. It matters because it feels good. It matters when you die. It matters when you yell. It matters when you sing. It matters when you laugh. It matters when you cry. It matters when you sleep. It matters when you speak. It matters when you make LOVE to me. It matters when you... LOVE ME.

So if all this matters than why do we not know when it is created, formed, and known. It is unspoken until it is said, it is not there until it appears,It is forgotten before it is known. How does this happen?

We take advantage of love. We take advantage of the feeling of love, words of love, look of love.

I no longer wish to find love, be loved, fall in love. I wish to form, create, and than know love, because that is love at its purest form.




This is my first blog in several months thanks to my dear friend.

PROGRESSIVE SISTAS =CHANGE

So last night while having a difficult time sleeping I ran upon MTV's Man & Wife tv show. Rapper, Fatman Scoop and his GORGEOUS wife, Shanda. The episode was an old one dating back to Gay Pride in NY. Shanda, a former AIDS/HIV prevention specialist came down to Greenwich Village for the Gay Parade to pass out condoms and safe sex education. This was not uniqe or "special" to me in anyway until Fatman Scoop showed up. Fatman Scoop has established himself in the rap industry and hip hop community, which continues to be homophobic and fearful of homosexuality. It is a known fact that hip hop and gay people don't mix and when these two distinct groups are brought together into an urban setting chaos and misrepresentation is sure to follow. I believe it is social stigmas that have placed the fear of being gay, contacting HIV/AIDS, the religious contradictions,and the misconceptions of sexual practices, hidden epidemics of Down Low men and women and internalized homophobia that exposes society and the Latino and black community as being intolerant, fearful, and dismissive toward the gay community.

So needless to say I was quite proud of Fatman Scoop to step out of his comfort zone to attend gay pride. There was a lot of fear in his eyes as he walked past men that looked like women and women that looked like men, and all those in between, but the fact that he would enter a space that was obviously uncomfortable for him made me respect him a little more, but I gave all the appreciation to his wife who took her husband out of his fear of being identified as a gay male or even a gay supporter by exposing her husband to an experience that he would have never ventured to on his own due to his career choice in addition to all the stigmas I mentioned above.

I read a passage in a book called, "Don't sweat the small stuff". In this book the author explained that being in a uncomfortable situation was an opportunity to grow and learn from that experience. So to watch Fatman Scoop enter into an uncomfortable situation of walking through gay pride handing out condoms to same sex, or not loving people made me hopeful that with the help of his wife he would grow to understand differences and similarities within how he identity's as well as those that he was among. Scoop met several individuals that were excited to have his autograph and enquire why he was down there. He stated, " I'm here to show my support, We (Rapper) don't talk about this gay stuff at all, and we definitely don't come down and walk in the parades, but I got a lot of love and respect for all people however you get down." "I'm not gay, and I'll admit I'm alittle nervous, but only because this is my first time doing this, its new to me, its all about support and respect though."

The truth is this brotha would have never done this without a wife that was so apart of the community and could educated him and society on the fears associated with homosexuality and those that are transgendered. She for me is hope for the future, as an African American sista that is willing to expose her man to a world unspoken of for him and within his career she for me is redefining the way sistas really practice what they preach. She could get her man snatch up anywhere, and yes even at a gay pride, but the odds for some reason seem to be tripled when there is any suspension of a sistas man being gay. Bottom line, if you were suspicious before you hooked up with him, don't be surprised that your even more suspicious a year into the relationship. Also,we as a society forget that bisexuality exist, yes like all it is a constructed term but one that to me holds more weight than homosexuality and heterosexuality.

Granted this is a strong gender bias with this term, were women are ALLOWED to be bisexual, but men are not. Why do the rules of bisexuality only used when in regards to women? Or is it the idea that within the male dominated society we live in men still feel they are entitled to ALL women, including the ones that are identified lesbians.

WE must created the change that is most needed. Exposing ourselves to difference will only help us understand who we are more. Being open to new people and experiences helps us to be apart of the change that is most needed right now. I am no different in how I conduct myself in public or within the walls of my home from that of Fatman Scoop and Shanda. It is when I run across people that think they know themselves and than are confronted with a truth that they maybe attracted to someone of the same sex. What I want to say is that this is ok, you can be attracted to him, brotha. You can be attracted to her, sista. I can be attracted to a MTF woman, its the person I connect with, its the heart of the matter that is most important and most beneficial.


I thank God for this progressive sistah and Mr. Fatman Scoop that stepped outside of his comfort zone and took a step in a progressive way for change and show equal respect and support for all people.

This is the shit that matters and I still don't like MTV.

David Allen is my hero

David Allen is my new hero, today I started to become overwhelmed with my role within my friendships and how I allow myself to be obligated to individuals that I don't intended to feel or be obligated to me. I love attempting to be folks all, but when I need a break it seems to be at the worst times, its when people need me most. I work hard to make others happy and not enough to make me happy. This is something that is quite clear to everyone that is deeply rooted in my social life and personal space. However, these are the same individuals that I allow to take advantage of my need to be everyone's superhero, but the fact remains I am no superhero and will make mistakes along the way, say the wrong thing, forget something important, become to exhausted to do something, etc.

That is were David Allen comes in; Allen argues that the real challenge is not managing your time but maintaining your focus: "If you get too wrapped up in all of the stuff coming at you, you lose your ability to respond appropriately and effectively. Remember, you're the one who creates speed, because you're the one who allows stuff to enter your life."

I need to take a step back and let things unfold as they may. I can no longer force myself to be something I am not. I have created the chaos and obligated influence that my love ones hold me so accountable for. I will reestablish myself as someone that has to say NO and understand that if NO means the end of a relationship than so be it. I am to preserve myself for my existence and the passion that I have to make the world better for not only myself but those I love and those I have not and may not ever meet in this life.

As Mr. Allen states" you lose your ability to respond appropriately and effectively" and all energy and time would be lost in my passion to aid in the world's positive change if it is done both in a sloppy, unmotivated, poor fashion.

Daily lessons to make myself a better person and my completely intended self.

My God... its happened!!!

I have lived to see a person of color become the President of the United States. Last night while watching this monumentous occassion with my extended family I thought to myself, " My God,this is happening... A black man will be the president of the United States!!!!" I felt several difference things in this realization, that one, I was alive to witness this, secondly that my grandmother was alive to witness this, and that everything that my family and my people as a whole throughout the world have conquered through with anguish, frustration, sadness, death to fight for this one moment that one of us stands as the Commander and Chief of the free world.

This moment is bigger than anyone can consciously imagine. This is change as it is meant to be defined. For the first time in my life I am honored to be apart of a country that will not be healed over night of discrimination because a black man is now the president but a country that beleives that change and hope for a better America is possible if we all acknowledge that we are all human beings that need love, support, and the ability to respond openly and honestly to each other to make this world as it was intended to be "for the people and by the people".

We ALL made this happen yesterday, not just black people or white folks that like black people. But all of us that beleived that we needed to first excercise our right to vote as citizens, secondly, beleiving that change was needed in this country and that only we were to be held accountable for the next four years of our existence, and as a result risk the chance of distroying ourselves if allowing the same, inconsistent, counterproductive influence to run our country. Now, I'm not saying that Obama will get it right, or that the world will change in an instant because of this new leader, but I will say without a shadow of a doubt that I have never been more excited about my future and the future of my younger relatives, friends and family as I am at this very moment.

About a few months ago I wrote a blog using words to identify myself it brings me great pleasure and honor to add to this list AMERICAN. Aside from Obama winning the greatest moment of my life today, at this very moment is realizing that


I CAN DO ANYTHING.

So much to say, so little time...

OK,most crucial issues should come first...Two words: Soluja Boy

This is ignorance at an all time high. I don't know rather to kick his ass or his parents...whom ever the case, this is the saddest excuse first, for a RAPPER, secondly, for a African American, Thirdly, for a male , and finally, for the lack of interest and devastating affect of institutionalized racism that plagues our education system in the inner city.

I am disappointed in a brother that has been blessed and fortunate enough to have the opportunity to have the public actually give a shit about what he thinks about anything, let alone something as significant as pointing out an historical figure that has held our (BLACK) community hostage for so long. Part of me wants to believe that he was fully aware of the ignorant comment he stated and that it was a strategic plan to come across being as dumb as he could be, but I fail to understand what his point may have been in this situation???? I have never been so afraid for my young people as I am now, because youth follow this ignorant young men and internalize the nonsense that he projects from his mouth. He has more of a greater influence on young people than I do and I cannot compete with that.

I don't want young folks thinking this is appropriate to be as stupid as you can possibly be without educating yourself on history that should already be known to the masses. Everyone knows who Adolf Hitler is??? Or am I trippin? Now, you may not have a personal connection with the the circumstances in which Hitler's rein of terror caused for millions of Jews, but from what I still understand he has been as negatively influential to the history and cultural evolution for Jewish people as well as to the world so YOU should know a little about this person, correct?

I digress...For your own viewing pleasure. Here is the piece of interview that made me sick to my stomach:

In an interview with Toure' for BET's Black Carpet, southern rapper Soulja Boy was asked, “What historical figure do you most hate?” Noticing Soulja was stumped, Toure' tried to give the rapper some insight telling him, "Others have said Hitler, bin Laden, the slave masters..." To which Soulja Boy replied, "Oh wait! Hold up! Shout out to the slave masters! Without them we'd still be in Africa. We wouldn't be here to get this ice and tattoos."


Vote on Tuesday folks, please... our lives depend on it!